Transitions

The "new" job starts on Monday. It's in quotes because really it's my old job only I'm going to be doing it at two locations. But this time as a perk I will have benefits, vacations and representation by the union (Dad would be so pleased).

The biggest problem with going from one job to another though is this: what do you do with all the sh*t you've accumulated while at this location? I'm not a particularly neat person, but I know where stuff is. It probably doesn't look like I do, based on the condition of paperwork, but as God is my witness, if you ask me for something I can usually put my hand on it, if not immediately, then at least within an hour or so.

I was given about a week and a half to empty my desk of all this detritus. A week and a half people. In the course of this time, my own particular boss did little, if any relenting to my duties. I was expected to fit in all the things she was giving me at the same time I was tidying up for the next schmo. Well, guess what? It isn't done. It won't be done. I'm considering coming back into the office on Sunday to try and at least sort out some piles so whomever comes looking for something will have a geographic region to start with. I can't tell you how annoyed this makes me. I was beginning to make some headway at the beginning of the week, but then the meetings my boss was attending were deemed not important for her attendance, so she came back to give me more stuff to do before I left. Stuff that was essentially divvied up to my co-workers on Tuesday. Has anyone asked me how to do any of those things I'm currently taking care of? NOPE. Has anyone offered to help take something off my plate? NOPE. So is this going to get done by tomorrow? NOPE.

It's just this kind of thing that makes me crazy. I want to be able to leave one place in a reasonable semblance of order so no one can come looking for me to ask, "where's this?" or "how did you do so-and-so?" I'm going to be relearning a new job, I don't want to be saddled with having to do someone else's job as well as my own. But I fear that is what will happen. And the two new bosses will think that I'm hopeless as I left so much at loose ends. Except I was trying to tie them up. But couldn't. So now, I'm tied up in knots about these strings and the puppet pulling them is out of town for the weekend! AAARRGGHH!

Summer to Autumn

There is a quality of the light as the summer winds down. When you either go to school or work on the school's schedule you begin to notice the sun's comings and goings. This morning was an autumn morning. It was already 80 degrees outside with the humidity sticking to the air in great globules. But in the air conditioned sanctuary of home, the light coming over the trees told me autumn is on the way. Summer seems to gush out between peeking fingers of houses, trees, clouds. But autumn sort of slides across the horizon and slowly comes up out of the ground, like waking up. Summer is boisterous, noisy, clambering and exuberant. Autumn is contemplative and almost shy. With the job change this year I will go back into the rhythm of an elementary school. The cadence of the days, the children growing before your very eyes like pumpkin vines. They will probably make me yearn for the days when my own children were in school, with the drama and excitement and the new experiences along the way. But Autumn is a time of yearning as well. A time to stop and watch the roses grown brown on the vine instead of smelling them. A time of watching and waiting for winter. I have written about Autumn before, its coming and going. But this year when the light is slower and different, I wonder, what will things be like? What will the year bring? I never really appreciate or even like summer much, it's too, well, too much. But autumn and I get along just fine. Perhaps it's because my birthday is in autumn? I think though that the rhythm of the season is what appeals to me. We slow down and look at things differently in autumn. We understand each other.

The Job

This post is gonna be a pisser to write. The reason is two fold. One, hubby and I didn't sleep well last night and lest you think you're gonna read something juicy and lurid, forget it. We didn't sleep as we kept waking each other up. Because each of us was thinking about my job which is the same "pain in the ass" thing I've had for the last 7 years, 7 months. The boss called me in yesterday to explain that I would now be doing a different job. The new job is similar to the job I left before I had this PIA job. I liked it a lot, but the pay was low and the hours were short. And no benefits. Ya gotta have benefits if your husband doesn't have any. So I left it for a longer hour, better paying, benefit producing job. And my boss is telling me that I will be working essentially at the old job, but at two different locations.

I wish I could say I was thrilled. I'm older now. Nine years older. I don't know/think I'm going to be as good at this as I was before. I'm slower off the starting gate and my stride is more sedate (okay it's an analogy, but it works...ugh, sorry). And I wasn't warned that my current job was in any jeopardy of changing. It was a complete surprise to be told, oh by the way in two weeks you'll be doing a new job which is essentially your old job, at two places.

I don't know why I'm not ecstatic. But I'm not. I'm still feeling kind of put out. I told hubby that if people see me back at my former location, they'll think I did something wrong and got demoted. He says what do you care what people think. Yeah, I think, what do other people have to do with this? Except I will care that they think I screwed up. I will be concerned that the new bosses will be watching me to see what I could possibly have done wrong to get moved to this new set of circumstances. I feel like I'll be under scrutiny for something I didn't do.

I have to clean up my desk, my act and my attitude in two weeks. I'm working on it!

Betwict and Amongst

One of the things I most often DON'T post about is my faith. I guess because I'm ambivalent about how people will perceive what I believe and of course, I don't want to offend. But I made an observation today and I feel the need to write about it.

One of the biggest tenets of Christian faith is that being in "community" is what makes being a follower, truly a follower. You can have faith as small as a mustard seed, but the community of faith is the watering and nurturing needed to get that plant going. Many people may not understand that basic premise. Christianity seems to be for the singular, believing, Bible thumping sinner who will work out his or her salvation through the individual and God. And no one else need apply. But truly Christianity is for the group. This was brought home to me in several ways.

I attend church by myself most Sundays. This is not a "pity me" statement. It is a fact brought about by the moving on of children and the steadfast husband of the "see ya when ya get home" religion. The people at the congregation I attend have developed their own theories of me, I'm sure. It doesn't matter. I am an accepted member of the congregation, having attended there for almost 30 years. They are my brothers and sisters as surely as the siblings I lived with in that small town next to the Delaware. They have watched my skits, my announcements and even a sermon and heard my questions, fears and beliefs sounded loud and clear through all these things.

But they are not in my presence the rest of the week. I do not have them with me when my waspish tongue lashes out at the laziness of a co-worker. When my temper is frayed by the uncaring community of people at my place of business when they trample on someone else's right to do things because it doesn't fit in with their ideas. And they are definitely not with me when I use my sarcasm as a cutting tool for the perceived fools of the public who don't see things my way. I think if my brothers and sisters in Christ saw me during the week they a)would claim they didn't know me and b)disown me from the family of Christ. And therein lies the problem.

Because they aren't with me everyday, I see things differently. I feel cut off and separate from Christ. I allow the world's treasures to obliterate the treasures of heaven. My eye on the prize is one of acceptance of the world and it's jewels. My husband doesn't seem to care how sarcastic I can be (unless it's unleashed on him). My children think my anecdotes about my co-workers are funny especially when I can show them in a darker light than my own.

I come to church the following Sunday filled with self-loathing and with disgust at another week gone by where the teachings of the "Ultimate Teacher" have gone unheeded by me. I grovel at his feet, promise to try and do better and find that by Monday afternoon, I'm going to hell in a hand basket once again.

And yet, I know that the lens of Christ is with me still. I know that if I were to ask for help in all this there are those who would walk beside me. They cannot be with me at home and in the workplace, but they are with me in e-mail. And only a phone call away from being by my side. Yea, though I walk through the valley of self-importance at the cost of all others, they are with me. They are like a rod and a staff, to poke, prod and sometimes drag me off the path I seem determined to follow. My siblings in the Lord are still with me, even though they are not.

This past Sunday I was wallowing in self-pity. I don't like sitting by myself in the pew. I don't like being the only believer in my home. I don't like not being able to discuss things of religious importance with anyone unless I have to go out to find them. After taking communion I was sitting in the pew, when I was tapped on the shoulder by a woman who is suffering mightily with cancer. She is courageous in her battle and even at her age, she is determined to keep going. She smiled at me and grasped my hand as she unsteadily made her way up the pew to take the bread and wine. She smiled at me. Her hands were cool and not terribly strong, but she took my hands in hers and was glad to see me. She was glad to see me. I still get choked up by this. I don't know why she would be glad to see me. I certainly wasn't glad to BE me. But she shared a piece of herself with me on her way to taste and see the Lord our God. We are one in the body, we are one in the blood. That's from a hymn or song I know. If it weren't for the people of the congregation I am part of, I'm not sure I'd be part of anything. There is certainly something more worthwhile in this fellowship than any other committee I might have been on for the PTA!

I don't deserve her smile. I don't deserve the Lord's gift of grace either, but thank the good Lord above it is given to me and all I have to do is reach out and be received amongst. Amen