Moodish Posting

I'm grumpy today. And grousing about everything. To get the true picture of my grumbling mood, you would only need to see where I'm writing this post. I'm on the porch with the cat. Yes, that cat. She is stretched out on the rug to the right of the couch without a care in the world. She has trailed food all over the floor out here. But it bothers her not one whit. Why, if she bothers me so much am I sitting here then? Well, the side porch which she has been delegated to due to her unpredictable toiletry habits is the only place where I can sit comfortably with an open window and a ceiling fan. I could sit at the kitchen table and have done so on occasion. But I needed to slouch today and this couch is perfect for that. I won't be able to slouch in it much longer though. We have a new sofa on order, something well made and not as, well, slouchy. Which my back and my husband's back will truly appreciate. But in a bad mood, slouching is so much better on this piece of furniture. Should you ask me why I'm so grumpy today, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Nothing cataclysmic happened at work. No screaming parents, scheming students, annoyed administrators. Nope, nothing. But things just feel off today. As if the universe is wobbling slightly off kilter and no one notices but me. Maybe its because our neighbors moved and the new people are puttering around changing things. Maybe because the other neighbors across the street are moving as well and their entrepreneurial offspring will be leaving the street bereft without the permanent lemonade stand erected every other week to supplement their television watching addiction (cable costs quite a lot). Maybe it's because the neighbor on the other side, can't quite bring herself to run the leaf blower until 6:00 every night as we sit down to eat and I'm kind of sick of closing the window to drown out the sound. When I force myself to stop and listen, the birds are singing. The planes are droning overhead. There is a slight breeze shushing through the leaves. The sun has decided to come out after myriads of days hiding behind monstrous gray billows. But the cat is now noticing me and meowing in that quavering voice of hers which drives me to distraction. And I'm left trying to find some contentment and failing miserably. I have nothing to complain about, but I'm doing it anyway. Shame on me. Oh, good, now I can feel guilty as well as grumpy. I'll try working this out, but in the meantime, you should go read someone else's post.

Ma

This one will take me a while to work through. Mother's Day is coming up. Our mom is 80. She looks pretty good I think. She doesn't think so. She told our sister that if she had known she would've looked this way she would have shot herself a long time ago. Pause for that to sink in, please. Her brother is younger than her. He's looking old, but not in a bad way. They are the last of their family. I don't try to figure out their dynamics anymore. I learned that it is not really my place to figure it out and they seem pretty comfortable with things as they are. Why mess? Mom never seems to change. There was a time when she had an edge to things she said, at least I felt that way. She seems mellower now--towards me, towards life, who knows. I know she enjoys when the family gets together immensely. She may not hear everything, but she looks from face to face at people's expressions and reactions and can glean pretty much the gist of the conversation from that, I gather. I often wonder what she is thinking as she watches us talk and laugh and argue. I couldn't ask her as she wouldn't tell me the truth. She'd tell me what I wanted to hear. That's the problem, if there is any, with mom. There are schematics to her inner workings, but she doesn't really let anyone in to read them. Sometimes I'm pretty adept at reading the "signs" as we seem to think along the same lines. But sometimes she seems like an alien being I've known all my life and still can't quite fathom. I guess to a degree we're all like that. No one can know all our thoughts, except the ones we chose to share with others. But there are times when she says things in a certain way, phrases things with a certain pitch, that I would give my last dollar to find out exactly what was behind the words or even the jutted jaw. I know we sound alike, even dress alike sometimes. We, however, are not like the Patty Duke show. I'm younger and think differently about some things. I like the fact that my mother and I are alike. And sometimes, I think it must give my husband pause to think that this is the way I will be several years from now. I like that too! She is so generous. Her cup overflows with tenderness for her family. And her husband's family as well. And her friends. Sometimes, not as much anymore, but still sometimes she wears herself out caring for others. Because of the health issues she has, and really for someone her age there aren't THAT many things wrong, she simply cannot do the same things she did before. I'm pretty sure that bothers her. But again, I can't ask. See the paragraph above. She is quick to defend her grandchildren. She is a fierce protector of her home, her husband, her dog and her children, not necessarily in that order. Her faith is rock solid. She has a devotion time every morning, a discipline I've yet to conquer. When I have a need to discuss spiritual matters, she is who I go to. And she talks as an equal to me. She doesn't pontificate. I wouldn't talk to her if she did. She analyzes, ruminates, questions and laughs at the absurdity of Christianity and her fellow followers. But she never condescends which is why is such a great teacher both of bible studies and conversation. She is a good role model. She is not a saint, she's more like an angel. Angels are messengers from God. Yeah, mom is like that. She is human, not above making mistakes and being cranky. But on the whole, she is the one I'd want to go to and see no matter what or when. I can't imagine what life would have been like without her. Happy Mother's Day Ma!