Knowing my siblings who read this post, they will no doubt think I am going to write about them. But alas, not this time sibs.
Our daughter got married a couple of weeks ago. She and her new hubby had a truly beautiful wedding and the wonderful thing of it was all (or most) we held near and dear were with us to celebrate. Our family, our friends, their good friends. All together under one roof for one night. It was intensely wonderful because we could see the connections between us all, the family, the friends, all wanting the best for the newly married couple.
And then the big celebration is over. The ballroom has been cleaned, the magic of the evening swept away with the mundaneness of everyday living. People go back to work, back to the gym, back to doing the wash, setting the table, running the vacuum. It all goes back to the minutiae of the minute. And I began to think about what I have learned through my marriage of 34 years. And wondered when did I learn it? When did I learn not to push through the wall of his non-communication? And simply wait until he was ready to tell me whatever it was. When did I learn that my way isn't always the right way (tho it still seems sometimes to me that it must be!)? When did I learn to listen for the rhythm of our give and take without just taking all the time? When did I learn patience? Well, this last one is easy, I still haven't learned it. But I am more patient than I used to be I know for a fact.
When you live with a person whom you love, you begin to change subtly. It isn't suddenly or overnight. I think you begin to try to fit together better, making one whole rather than stubbornly staying in pieces. At least, if love is present, it's more like warm wax. Molding and shifting to become one candle instead of two. But I remember at the beginning of our married life, that it was difficult. We were still used to being these two different people. He did things one way, I another. This was the way his mother did things, this was the way my mother did things. Our daughter has lived with her now husband for a few years beforehand and knows some of those quirks already. But I think marriage brings things out in relief that she might not have noticed before. And I wonder if she saw the shifting, re-adjusting, give and take that her parents were doing? Or did she just assume that her life would be the same and didn't realize that changes had to happen? Did I show her by example the right things or the wrong things? And maybe she learned from my stubbornness the right way to do something which would have been the opposite of me?
But as I said, her newly married life is just beginning. So perhaps its too early to say. I'm glad she is surrounded by loving family and friends. For that surely makes a difference.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Lazy or Crazy
There is so much you can say about getting ready to go to a wedding. Especially if it's your daughter. There is so much you would like to express: the sentimentality, the angst, the bafflement of certain attendees' behaviors. I'm not sure this post will do it justice. But at least I can put a dent in the proceedings and what it feels like and leave the rest for later.
If you were to ask me what I did today, which by the way, the hubby asks whenever I pick him up from the train station, my reply wouldn't sound like it took all day. But it did in actuality. The only actual scheduled thing to do was pick up the dresses (daughters and mine) from the seamstress. During the morning I went to the hotel where some of the guests will be staying to verify a couple of things with them. Then I went to the local stationery store to figure out a problem with the gift bags. Luckily, the young man I talked to had a brilliant idea which didn't cost me a penny, so it was a great trip there! I went over to the nearby clothing store that opened not that long ago and realized that I would be needing a new winter jacket as the one I have used for the last-um-10 years or so is falling apart. So I bought one! Just like that. I went to one of those boxy stores that sell electronics stuff to get a new cover for my beloved phone as the old cover cracked (again) and couldn't be fixed this time. I dropped off a HUGE bunch of plastic bags at the local supermarket. They recycle them so I felt very virtuous. Then home to work on the "Welcome" bags for the hotel. By then it was time to pick up the dresses and then I had a manicure/pedicure appointment.
I'm going to stop on this minute by minute minutiae as it probably borders on the mind-numbing and really I just wanted to talk about the experience of the salon. I don't go to get my nails done. I do them myself if I want polish on them. I mostly stay on the nail (learning to color in the lines of a coloring book helped with this I'm sure) and when I make a mistake I can mop it up with a tissue. But when you go to a salon to have it done, it lasts longer and probably looks better too. The pedicure thing, though, I'm not really a fan. First of all, my feet are cold. Almost all the time. So to have to go out when it's 40 degrees without socks is tortuous for me. Add to that most of my dress shoes are closed toes. Nobody sees my feet but me. So what do I care if there's polish on them or not? But for the wedding, I'm wearing pretty sandal heels and I know that my feet will look better with polish on the toes, so I went ahead and made the appointment.
The biggest problem with going to these places is this: the people who run most of the establishments in this area are Asian and they have to wear masks because, I'm sure of the horrendous fumes that nail polish exudes. I wear hearing aids. If I can't hear you, I read your lips. Unless you're Asian and you're wearing a mask. In which case the communication becomes decidedly more complex, involving hand gestures, eyebrow arching and a lot of repeating. The pedicure comes first because it takes so much longer than the manicure. Not only does the person working on your feet, well, work on your feet, they also massage your legs, scrape away the rough dead skin (you've been accumulating since the last time you did this) and--at this place--the chair they place you in has a built in massager for your back! What a treat! The other interesting thing about this place was the daytime TV. I rarely watch television during the day as I'm working. I knew soap operas were still on, but I had no idea that there were other talk shows besides Ellen DeGeneres. The one the salon patrons were watching solicited audience opinions on everything from whether a family should get another dog (instead of a chinchilla--don't get me started with that!) to whether a man and woman should break up or stay together. The salon was buzzing with the customer's opinions on the matters at hand, with the Masked Asians adding their two cents worth every few minutes. It was pretty lively. When one of the "regulars" came in (she apparently gets new acrylic nails every two weeks or some such thing), she regaled us with her health stories of recent past while the owner of the salon chimed in with his own health issues. Before I knew it, my feet were done and my nails were drying under the little whirring fans. Of course, for me all conversation ceased at that point as I couldn't hear over the little fans and everyone seemed to have calmed down and began watching Ellen. I left enlightened and feeling as though maybe there wasn't such a problem with two hours of downtime from running around. And they decided all around that getting another dog was a good idea, instead of the chinchilla.
More on wedding preparations as the week progresses...stay tuned!
If you were to ask me what I did today, which by the way, the hubby asks whenever I pick him up from the train station, my reply wouldn't sound like it took all day. But it did in actuality. The only actual scheduled thing to do was pick up the dresses (daughters and mine) from the seamstress. During the morning I went to the hotel where some of the guests will be staying to verify a couple of things with them. Then I went to the local stationery store to figure out a problem with the gift bags. Luckily, the young man I talked to had a brilliant idea which didn't cost me a penny, so it was a great trip there! I went over to the nearby clothing store that opened not that long ago and realized that I would be needing a new winter jacket as the one I have used for the last-um-10 years or so is falling apart. So I bought one! Just like that. I went to one of those boxy stores that sell electronics stuff to get a new cover for my beloved phone as the old cover cracked (again) and couldn't be fixed this time. I dropped off a HUGE bunch of plastic bags at the local supermarket. They recycle them so I felt very virtuous. Then home to work on the "Welcome" bags for the hotel. By then it was time to pick up the dresses and then I had a manicure/pedicure appointment.
I'm going to stop on this minute by minute minutiae as it probably borders on the mind-numbing and really I just wanted to talk about the experience of the salon. I don't go to get my nails done. I do them myself if I want polish on them. I mostly stay on the nail (learning to color in the lines of a coloring book helped with this I'm sure) and when I make a mistake I can mop it up with a tissue. But when you go to a salon to have it done, it lasts longer and probably looks better too. The pedicure thing, though, I'm not really a fan. First of all, my feet are cold. Almost all the time. So to have to go out when it's 40 degrees without socks is tortuous for me. Add to that most of my dress shoes are closed toes. Nobody sees my feet but me. So what do I care if there's polish on them or not? But for the wedding, I'm wearing pretty sandal heels and I know that my feet will look better with polish on the toes, so I went ahead and made the appointment.
The biggest problem with going to these places is this: the people who run most of the establishments in this area are Asian and they have to wear masks because, I'm sure of the horrendous fumes that nail polish exudes. I wear hearing aids. If I can't hear you, I read your lips. Unless you're Asian and you're wearing a mask. In which case the communication becomes decidedly more complex, involving hand gestures, eyebrow arching and a lot of repeating. The pedicure comes first because it takes so much longer than the manicure. Not only does the person working on your feet, well, work on your feet, they also massage your legs, scrape away the rough dead skin (you've been accumulating since the last time you did this) and--at this place--the chair they place you in has a built in massager for your back! What a treat! The other interesting thing about this place was the daytime TV. I rarely watch television during the day as I'm working. I knew soap operas were still on, but I had no idea that there were other talk shows besides Ellen DeGeneres. The one the salon patrons were watching solicited audience opinions on everything from whether a family should get another dog (instead of a chinchilla--don't get me started with that!) to whether a man and woman should break up or stay together. The salon was buzzing with the customer's opinions on the matters at hand, with the Masked Asians adding their two cents worth every few minutes. It was pretty lively. When one of the "regulars" came in (she apparently gets new acrylic nails every two weeks or some such thing), she regaled us with her health stories of recent past while the owner of the salon chimed in with his own health issues. Before I knew it, my feet were done and my nails were drying under the little whirring fans. Of course, for me all conversation ceased at that point as I couldn't hear over the little fans and everyone seemed to have calmed down and began watching Ellen. I left enlightened and feeling as though maybe there wasn't such a problem with two hours of downtime from running around. And they decided all around that getting another dog was a good idea, instead of the chinchilla.
More on wedding preparations as the week progresses...stay tuned!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Eleven Days and Counting
I'm an occasional visitor to Facebook. Yes, I have a page, yes, I put stuff on it once in a while. Mostly, though I snoop at other pages--catching up with my children, friends who have left my sphere of the here and now. My children have "friended" me happily, so I can go and browse when I want without feeling like I'm nosing through their bureau drawers (I NEVER did that! Honest!).
Anyway, while looking at our daughters page, it mentions a countdown. We have a wedding coming up. Hers. She is counting down the days till she and her fiance will become husband and wife. It has been an interesting and exciting time for the family--we've never planned a wedding before. There were and are myriads of things that need planning, doing, fixing, arranging, and need I add, to pay for, as well. There seemed to always be something that needed to be done, or thought about, or (in my case) prayed about. And although things could be stressful, by and large my daughter and I get along just fine most of the time, so we weren't fighting about things, or bickering back and forth. She is getting a little short tempered lately, but as far as I can see, she seems fine, as does the fiance.
And then the other day I got to thinking about some things. Even though she has been living out of our house for a while now, her life will be different. She will be a wife. She will change her last name (she decided to do that, I didn't weigh in one way or the other). Her father is hoping she will have a telephone plan with the new hubby. And it seemed to me that she wasn't little any more. Okay, okay, I know she isn't little and hasn't been for a while. But when people get married they become "big people". Or at least that's always the way I looked at it. Married people are grown-ups. I know several people who will point out that just because someone is married does not mean they are mature--but I'm not talking about that anyway. I'm thinking that the way I've looked at my daughter will change subtly. In ways that even she and I haven't come to figure out yet. The responsibilities that she will have now will not rest solely on what her father and I think, but what her husband thinks. They will make plans and arrangements that have nothing to do with my opinion, my beliefs, my point of view. And that's as it should be. But it will be different now. It made me sad a little. Thinking that things will change. It made me a little melancholy doing the PowerPoint presentation looking at the pictures of her growing up and changing before my eyes, knowing that the changes that I witnessed almost every day, will be witnessed by someone else every day.
Will he notice the changes? As they grow together, will she realize that things are different now? I don't think I did until much later in life. And by then I forgot what was different anyway, I was too busy with the new life. Did my mother see things like that? I'll have to ask her.
And so we are at eleven days and counting. And I keep looking back and thinking how fast all those years went and how eleven days doesn't seem like enough time.
Anyway, while looking at our daughters page, it mentions a countdown. We have a wedding coming up. Hers. She is counting down the days till she and her fiance will become husband and wife. It has been an interesting and exciting time for the family--we've never planned a wedding before. There were and are myriads of things that need planning, doing, fixing, arranging, and need I add, to pay for, as well. There seemed to always be something that needed to be done, or thought about, or (in my case) prayed about. And although things could be stressful, by and large my daughter and I get along just fine most of the time, so we weren't fighting about things, or bickering back and forth. She is getting a little short tempered lately, but as far as I can see, she seems fine, as does the fiance.
And then the other day I got to thinking about some things. Even though she has been living out of our house for a while now, her life will be different. She will be a wife. She will change her last name (she decided to do that, I didn't weigh in one way or the other). Her father is hoping she will have a telephone plan with the new hubby. And it seemed to me that she wasn't little any more. Okay, okay, I know she isn't little and hasn't been for a while. But when people get married they become "big people". Or at least that's always the way I looked at it. Married people are grown-ups. I know several people who will point out that just because someone is married does not mean they are mature--but I'm not talking about that anyway. I'm thinking that the way I've looked at my daughter will change subtly. In ways that even she and I haven't come to figure out yet. The responsibilities that she will have now will not rest solely on what her father and I think, but what her husband thinks. They will make plans and arrangements that have nothing to do with my opinion, my beliefs, my point of view. And that's as it should be. But it will be different now. It made me sad a little. Thinking that things will change. It made me a little melancholy doing the PowerPoint presentation looking at the pictures of her growing up and changing before my eyes, knowing that the changes that I witnessed almost every day, will be witnessed by someone else every day.
Will he notice the changes? As they grow together, will she realize that things are different now? I don't think I did until much later in life. And by then I forgot what was different anyway, I was too busy with the new life. Did my mother see things like that? I'll have to ask her.
And so we are at eleven days and counting. And I keep looking back and thinking how fast all those years went and how eleven days doesn't seem like enough time.
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