Acquaintances and pals

I got an e-mail from church today telling me that Fred had died. I knew Fred for a long time. He was one of the first people I met at the church I attend. He wasn't the loudest, the showiest, the most flamboyant or even stand-out-ish person you ever met. He would say things softly, almost under his breath. They were usually quite witty things and I enjoyed it when I could hear them (which later on wasn't very often). He was devoted to his church and his wife. I admired his devotion to those things. And I genuinely liked him.

When I got the e-mail, I was surprised, but I shouldn't have been. He had been sick, really sick for a while. And I knew I would hear about it soon. But it hit me hard. Because I was going to send him a card. Just a note, really. Letting him know I was thinking of him, praying for him, wishing him well. But I never got around to it. I would come home from church after hearing his condition and think, "I'm gonna sit right down and send him a card." But I would forget, get busy, get distracted. And now I can't do it. I can't tell him I thought of him at different times of the day and night. Of how I hoped he was at least comfortable. Of how I missed our sly comments about the service and what went on with people behind the scenes. I missed my chance.

Of course, then I go on to berating myself that this isn't about me! His death will hardly impact me at all in the everyday sense. It isn't like he was my best friend or something and doesn't his family deserve to be considered instead of this pious, why-didn't-I-do-this-thing tirade. But grief is all about personal stuff, so maybe i'm not beyond redemption in this. Grief is all about your own personal reaction to the fact that a person who was living and breathing and walking around and somehow or other was part of your sphere, either in the peripheries or in the center is not going to be there any more. And you can wish that you let them know you cared, but really, if you didn't let them know before this, what's the point now? And sorrow only let's you borrow from it's well for a little while, before, it slaps you on the hand and says, that's enough now, move along (in it's best Obi Wan Kenobe voice).

So I wrote this down for Fred. Because I will miss him during the odd hours of the day and night. I will miss his presence in the back pew on the left.