I had some basal cell cancer removed from my face a few months ago. Lots of people get basal cell, I'm told. Lots of people get it cut out and move on. I've blogged about my experience to some small degree. I had moved on, I thought. It was history. No need to revisit.
Then I went to the dermatologist for a "follow-up". Alright, I was feeling kind of cocky. I thought it had healed just fine. I thought she would look at me and say, "see you in 6 months." Yeah, well, that was the plan. As it turns out she did not just say, "see you in six months," although she did say that. What she did say was, " I don't like the way that looks," pointing to my scar. She said it should have been flat, but there were little bumps on it instead. They shouldn't have been there. What did I know? I thought it looked fine. So she "numbed" up the area and scraped the bumps off. "We'll send these out for a biopsy." And just like that I'm paranoid all over again. The one word, well, two really--biopsy and cancer--make me weak in the knees. I hear it and think I need to begin planning the funeral service, getting rid of my stuff, contacting the family. I don't like the fact that I feel that way, but there you have it.
The dermatologist called last night to say that the "bumps" were "pre-cancerous." Meaning before cancer. Meaning whatever she cut out of my face before, wasn't the same stuff that's there now. After I talked to her, I really didn't feel anything very much. It's only now the day after that I begin to get the weak in the knees feeling again. The same scurrying in my stomach as I had before wondering what all this will mean. The same "boy-I-don't-want-to-think-about-this" attitude pervading my every thought anyway.
I have friends who have fought a much more scary cancer than this. I have friends who have fought and lost, too. On the scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the scariest), this is probably a 1 compared to major organs. But oh, it still makes me quivery and nervous, even if no one else thinks this is all that bad. And therein lies the rub. I don't want to have anything wrong. Especially not cancer. I really appreciate others saying, well if you're going to get it, this is the kind to get. Making me feel almost like I should be grateful instead of scared. Comforted instead of nervous. I guess that makes me a wimp. I guess that makes me not very brave. Well, it's good to know things about yourself I guess. And I guess knowing that I'm a weakling can help to make me stronger, but I doubt it.
So for now, I have to get some special cream medicine and use it for a few weeks to see what happens next. I really wish nothing happened next. I wish I could erase the phone call from last night, but I can't . Pardon me if I don't look happy for now. But I thought I was done...
2 comments:
Oh dear. I'm not worried so much about the thing you're worried about, as I am about your worrying. (What? Confused???)
Something like 10 years ago I went to a dermatologist to have something called a "skin tag" removed. This is just like a little flap or protrusion of skin, which in my case was on one side of my torso, about elbow-height as I recall. Removing one is a pretty routine procedure. But part of this doctor's routine was to do a head-to-toe survey of everything else as well -- especially because in Florida, well, let's just say sunshine isn't always a good thing.
She removed two other spots in that visit, which I didn't even know I had. They were on my back. She removed them in order to biopsy them, "just to be sure." And it turned out that they were pre-cancerous.
Upshot? Well, nothing. I mean, I go back every few years for follow-up exams. She hasn't done any more biopsies.
All of which is just to say: I know you're prone to visiting The Dark Side (haha), but it's waaaay to soon to be freaked out about this. Maybe especially because of the links between stress and illness, y'know? Go for walks. (If you already do this, go for more of them. :)) Read more. It's not a matter of distracting you, really -- more like keeping your body in tune with the whole of your life, rather than letting it be a slave to your gloom and paranoia. Yes, "pre-cancer" literally means "before cancer." Another way of looking at it, equally truthful, is to say it means "NOT cancer." Deal with cancer AS cancer when/if it comes up. But seriously -- try not to let pre-/non-cancer make you all wibbly-wobbly.
But I'm glad you posted this anyhow. Thanks, cynth.
Thanks bro. I'll try to keep doing what I've been (going to the gym, taking walks, working on writing). And try to remember what you've said, it's NOT cancer, at least not now.
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