The Door at the Top of The Stairs

The door is closed
An important point to make.
The rest of the year
The door is open,
Dad uses the desktop
Mom puts things on the bed.
But today the door is closed.

The alien head and menacing jaguar posters
Warn that there is someone behind the door.
It's not that you cannot disturb him.
It's that he is home
From a long way off.
Sleeping, dreaming, thinking
Staring at ancient wallpaper
Made for little children
Remembering days gone by.

The door is closed
And for only four or five days
It is a message to me
That a piece of my heart is in residence
Under the same roof again.

Soon the other door at the end
Of the hallway will be closed as well.
Bringing the other piece of my heart home
Under the same roof.
She visits more often,
She rarely stays over night,
Staring at the ancient wallpaper
Dreaming and thinking.

Their rooms are attached by a connecting door
And their lives attached by the
Beating heart of two people
Who wait for their doors to be closed
Just one more time.

They Hide in the Darkness

I am not afraid of bugs. If there is a bug, no matter how big or even small in my house, and it does not belong there I will either gush it or send it packing outside. Outside I look at them, watch their behaviors, marvel at their mechanics and try not to molest them in any way. I say bugs, not insects as I have been known to actually watch arachnids on occasion, if I'm sure they don't look too big nor too hungry.

But while having dinner with three friends the other night, we got, for some reason that I can't quite remember, on the topic of camel crickets. These bugs have bulbous brown bodies (think of the idea of Shelob in the Lord of the Rings), with long wavering antennae and huge-and I mean out of proportion-back legs with which to jump. They jump erratically, too. They don't seem to have that "scurry and flee" reaction that most bugs have. They jump willy-nilly, helter-skelter and many times right at you! A disturbing tendency to be sure. As the discussion of these strange creatures went on, several tidbits of information were shared as we have all observed them. One is the aforementioned ability--bordering on desire it seems to us--to jump at their impending doom as opposed to away. Another creepy side-light to their nature is their cannibalistic propensity to eat each other, especially when one is unable to defend itself. Having a cat who used to enjoy maiming these denizens of the basement without actually eating them, I have witnessed this phenomenon myself. It is not a pretty sight. We were all discussing their sudden appearance in our homes, particularly in the basement when one of our friends stated that her husband has an electronic fly swatter (which looks like a tennis racket with smaller holes) and she wondered if it would work on these? Her eldest never travels into the basement without this weapon of destruction, but she felt as though they could "feel" the vibes of it and stayed out of his way. My daughter used to go down to the basement armed with either a large cardboard tube (for whacking at a distance), or would use rolls of wrapping paper she would procure whilst down amongst them. Hmm, maybe they only attack the oldest of the family? Nah. They have jumped at me as I came down to get something from the freezer and I have developed a sort of St. Vitus dance trying to leap counterpoint to their hopping so that I land on them before they get a chance to propel again. I'm grateful the neighbors can't see this uncoordinated jig, as I'm sure it would be the topic of much across the fence hilarity.

We ended our discussion of these bugs with the idea--creepy as it was--that we hoped we never found ourselves falling down the basement steps at the mercy of these critters. They would show no mercy, we were sure and without the trusty electronic zapper, nothing would be left as they ate us and each other. Ewwww!

Function versus Fashion?

What made me use the above title has to do with how I begin my day getting ready for work. It starts with the "what to wear" problem. I am not, nor have I ever been a fashion maven. I know what I like and it probably isn't what Stacy and what's-his-name on "What Not To Wear" have envisioned for me. The problem, especially in the winter is that I get cold. A lot. And sometimes that cute little short-sleeved sweater that would go so well with my brown pants? Well, it's a little too cold for short sleeved sweaters unless you have a turtleneck underneath of them. And of course, these cute sweaters weren't made to be worn on top of other things. They make them rather form fitting, so stretching them to fit over another shirt is, well, not attractive, shall we say? Sort of akin to stuffing sausage skin. Not a good look. Especially for some one who is not svelte to begin with and probably never will be--given the amount of layers it would take to keep this person warm. So I"m stuck with the problem of having sweaters in my drawer, even hanging in my closet that I won't wear except for the brief two weeks in late spring or early fall when I would actually be comfortable wearing short sleeved anything to work.

I know women who are always fashionable. They don't seem to feel the cold as they walk around with their short sleeves and skirts. Maybe the pointy-toed shoes have caused them such discomfort that they no longer feel temperature change. Or maybe they're just from Mars. Or was it Venus? Whatever. The other problem of course with the layering of clothes is this does not take into account the hot flashes. When that happens then at least two layers come off before it passes and the layers have to be added on again. It's hard work getting dressed these days!

And I never quite got the hang of lipstick with the rest of the make up routine. I mean I put on make-up at like 6:30 in the morning and I don't do anything to it the rest of the day. But if you put on lipstick, you suddenly have to re-apply all day. I'm not interested in re-applying. And that stuff that stains your lips? It turns weird colors, so people think you've been out buying twin pops (in this weather??) and the color doesn't look the same when you get outside anyway, so it doesn't match.

I wasn't made to put up with this. I was made to get out of bed, walk to the computer downstairs and work from home. But alas my job doesn't offer this as an option. So there I am week after week, trying to figure out what to wear on my body and my face. Maybe I'll be come independently wealthy and it will become a moot point. But until then, It's bulky sweaters and turtlenecks for me!

What Do You Mean, "Take a Hike?"

Hubby and I have been pursuing our own avenues of personal fitness. He is an avid bike rider and will go for 25 miles on any given weekend through the wilds of South Jersey. I'm not very confident on a bike, especially on roads with cars on them, so I've been left to my own devices, so to speak. I joined a gym with the eldest was still living at home and have sporadically attended, but tried to keep up somewhat with the idea that if I at least move I won't eventually become immobile.

In the light of the fact that we go our separate ways in so many ways, it was interesting to note that a few weeks ago, Hubby suggested that we do something physical together (no not that, you cretin). He suggested we find ourselves on a hike.

I dived into the idea, looking up hiking clubs, finding out the local places where they would go, what kind of equipment would be needed and if it cost anything. I printed out pages and pages of information to "get us ready". I contacted a local hiking club for their "beginner's hike" and we were set.

One of the things I noticed about these hiking websites is that they will tell you what kind of hike it is, easy, hard, fast paced, rocky, hilly, all the required elements to let you figure out if this is the right place for you to go. They also have these little codes on their sites to let you know how many miles, how easy, etc. For example, the hike we were to try was labeled 2A/c/5-6, which roughly translated means this is an easy hike for about 5 or 6 miles if you're game. So I figured we were game.

We were to meet at a National Park for this walk in the woods, so we left a little early and got there in plenty of time. We were trying to figure out who was hiking along with us, making comments about the people walking around with their dogs, admiring the myriads of butterflies donning the butterfly bushes. An older guy walked past us wearing one of those well-worn fishing hats, tall dark socks and wispy white hair. My husband just knew he would be on the hike with us and sure enough he came and sat beside us on the bench.

As the group finally gathered together there were very few novices I noticed. Many had hiking boots (we had old sneakers), many were holding walking sticks (we had a camera), most had backpacks--and so did we! However, the contents of theirs was different from ours. But we didn't know that at first. The person who was to be our leader was apparently well known by most of the group. She told us the general direction and route we would take, asked for questions, let us know about how to join the hiking club they were all apparently members of, and then we were off.

We walked a small incline, a paved road no less, then branched off through the forest following the painted blobs (called blazes-as in "what the blazes is that?") on various trees. Now the problem of our hiking with a group soon became evident. For one thing, when I walk anywhere, woods or otherwise, I like to look at things. Flowers, trees, birds in flight or on branches, even interesting bugs. I can walk quite quickly if I don't want to observe all this, but in new environments especially, I like to see what's around. My husband doesn't walk fast. For any reason. The guy who saunters through the crosswalk after the light changes? That's him. He is not arrogant. Okay, he can be, but in most instances he just has one speed: slow. When we walk together, I have to slow down to keep up, he won't be speeding up for me, you can be sure. So there the two of us are in the new found wilderness with 15 or so people who are there to hike, goddammit, not to dawdle. We were soon at the back of the pack. Thankfully there were some who were even behind us. They were the woman who could not put down the cell phone no matter where she was-talking loudly and gesturing. And the older, portly guy who was obviously laboring to stay with the pack in some way, even if only from a distance.

The problem with not being as quick as the rest of the group, or should I say as directed, is that they get ahead of you and then find a place to stop and rest. So that by the time you reach them, they are all rested up and proceed to pull up stakes and continue, leaving you puffing and panting in their wake as you've not had a proper rest since this whole sorry episode began. By the time we reached the "halfway" point, my husband and I were tired, somewhat grumpy, and our idealized dream of tramping through the woods was ruined. Okay, not ruined, but bruised. We checked our pedometers to see how far along we were when we realized that the blurb on the web site misstated our total mileage and this hike would end up being 8 miles. For someone who hadn't exercised for a while, eight miles seemed like not just pushing the envelope, but carrying the missive by hand across country. This was not what I signed up for! But if we didn't continue, we'd never see our car again as it was parked at the place where we began. Oh, Lord, I thought, please deliver me! By the time the end of the trail was in sight, I was red in the face from the heat of the day, the exertion and the frustration of being lead out and brought back without a good "timeout".

We learned a lot that day about hiking and what to do and not to do. It was important to bring extra water (which we did). To bring along binoculars (which we didn't). To carry a walking stick to help take some of the weight off your knees. And if you're walking with a hiking club, keep up with the leader to get a proper rest every now and then. It was an interesting experience. However, now my husband and I walk on trails by ourselves. We go at our own pace, looking at the things we pass, admiring whatever views are there to admire, appreciating the nature and the silence of being away from the constant sound of phones and cars. I like this hiking better. And we are doing it together, which is really nice. And we can rest whenever we feel like it. But we still don't have walking sticks.

Why Was it Sad?

In conjunction with the previous post on music, of which I am not and never will be an expert, I had an experience the other day that I wanted to share. There is a new public television special out entitled, "LennoNYC". It was about John Lennon not the hero of the USSR. Anyway, hubby and I bought tickets to see a preview of it. We were supporting the local public television station and Hubby has always loved anything to do with the Beatles. Well maybe not everything, I don't think he likes bobble heads...but I digress. There was a young man who serenaded us before the screening. He played the guitar and piano and had a very nice voice. He sang selections from the Beatles eras, from some unknown (at least to me) stuff and well, a smattering of many of Lennon's compositions. We were surrounded at this mini-concert, as you might presume, by plenty of boomers and very few Gen-Xers. Many of the crowd had long, ponytail length gray hair, were wearing crocs, jeans and their most comfortable shirts. Almost everyone kept time with either their feet, tapping on the carpet or their fingertips, tapping their hands. Some of the more exuberant sang out loud with the young man. The songs made you re-live certain things, remember certain things, even sort of long for some long ago things. It was wistful, was what it was. When the young man moved to the piano and sang, Imagine, I gotta say, I was close to tears, thinking of that other young man who died just because some crazy person had a gun and some stupid idea.

After watching the movie, which chronicled Lennon's life pretty much with Yoko Ono after the Beatles when he lived in NYC and he became house dad with Sean--I began to appreciate that he had been writing again. He had worked on an album, was hoping to finish it and tour again. I didn't know that. I only minimally knew some of his newer songs. But the potential for more music was there. And I again I became sad and thought what a waste that this man who helped to create the music that my contemporaries and I grew up with, that he should be killed and never reached whatever new boundaries in music he set for himself. My hubby and I agreed that the movie was a tad too long, but interesting nonetheless. Although I could have done without the Yoko Ono influence, but that's just my opinion. And so I went home and listened to some Beatles music, just for old times sake. And mourned again the talent that is gone just because he was in the news.

Music Sublime

One of my more endearing characteristics, I'm sure someone would point out, is my quirky taste in music. I'm a fan of musicals from the 50's and 60's. I can recite the words to "Lydia The Tattooed Lady" or whatever that weird "Shaving Cream" song was that my husband found and recorded for the children eons ago. I like Beethoven, Bernstein and the Beatles. Music surrounds me in the car, sometimes at work and at home. But I don't own an ipod. I guess I'm not sure how the ear buds work with in- the-canal hearing aids and I'm not interested or concerned enough to figure it out.

If I know I'm going to be in the car for at least an hour, I'll figure out what I'm going to listen to at top decibel way before I figure out the route I'll be taking. I got to thinking about my music choices today for an odd reason. I was coming home from an appointment that I had not been looking forward to. The route I had selected was congested, bumper to bumper, cheek to jowl and grumpy, scowling faces behind the wheel the whole way. I had neglected to "select" my listening pleasure because I was preoccupied with the appointment and weary of the whole entire day. So I turned on the radio. I usually don't do that much, as invariably when I turn it on, the cycle has just finished for the 1/2 hour of commercial free music and I'm stuck listening to a 20 minute tirade of ads for everything from the radio station itself to local hardware stores to insurance companies whose Australian spokesperson is much better on the television. But today, amidst the anguish and angst suddenly the Beatles came on. They sang, "Can't Buy Me Love" and "Penny Lane". There were about four songs in rapid succession and you know, I just felt better after that. What's more, I was singing along with the songs before I knew it and saw several people doing the same thing! It was great! Not because it was the Beatles. But because for just a few minutes we weren't all mad at each other, we were enjoying the melody of the days gone by and savoring the harmonies of those four young men. Would I have felt the same if the Beach Boys came on? Maybe, maybe not. But it was grand on the street, swinging along with the Fab Four and about 100 or so of their fans as we crawled along in traffic on a Wednesday afternoon.

Two Parts of a Whole

I wrote this several weeks ago and after diddling with it, I just thought I'd like to post it as it would have been then. I could have tried to update it, but I really just didn't want to.

It all came down this morning to an envelope. The envelope was full of photos of my nephew. Yes, my nephew...mine and my husband. I have been trying for some reason to separate the two families: these are your relatives, these are mine. But life doesn't separate them, why should I compartmentalize? His funeral service is coming up soon. And the practice these days is to have something like a memory wall, full of pictures of the life of the deceased. I have been to viewings where there are even videos. I'm still not sure how I feel about that--the pictures and the videos I mean. Whose benefit are these things displayed? I know in my logical brain it serves a purpose, it helps to show the person in other circumstances--so the final thought you have of them won't be in the casket. Or it shows you what the person looked like if you are only an acquaintance of the immediate family, but a good friend of one of the lesser mourners.

I realized that in the envelope I had neglected to add the picture on the fridge. The one of his wedding. The one with his dad,my brother-in-law, and his new bride. So I dutifully scanned the image and placed the picture in with the other pictures--the ones of his birthdays, the backyard barbecues, the graduations. All those events with him smiling, laughing out loud or looking like a typical teen, bored with the family gathering. How could these events be done without him I wondered. He actually lived quite a long way away from the rest of the family, so we didn't see him much anymore. But he was part of the fabric of the two clans, spun out in threads across the US: threads in California, Florida, Ohio, New York, Pennsylvania. Interwoven, whether we see the threads on a daily basis or just on Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I had been talking with some people recently and they seemed to think that since it was my husband's nephew to die so suddenly that it was somehow less than a tragedy to me, because it was my husband's side of the family--at least I guess that was the reasoning. It's hard to know what people are thinking (or not thinking as the case may be) when people are trying to tell you they care. And that's when the thought of the envelope came to me. The memories I have of my nephew are of the times we spent with my husband's family, yes. But also I have been blessed to have been part of that family for more than 30 years. That's longer than I lived at home with my biological family. To say that these people are not related to me except by marriage is sort of insulting. I have been through many things with them and they are as much a part of my emotional sphere as any of my siblings or parents. The people who shrugged off the loss of this young man so suddenly didn't really know me that well. If they had, they would have realized how the envelope of pictures was just a symbol of the hole left in the family fabric of both my husband's and my heart.

Age Musing

I turned 56 the other day. When I say that out loud, I don’t cringe. Or shudder. I smile. I say I bought my red hat pin and intend to wear it proudly on my lapel. But in the inner self, I don’t think I’m so thrilled. Not that the alternative is better. Not that I want to go backwards, except sometimes. Sometimes I do want to go backwards. But with the knowledge I have now. I want to view the world as a twenty-something with the fifty-something mentality. Maybe the world or at least my choices would have made more sense then. Maybe I would have been wiser in some of my choices. Maybe not.

Anyway, 56 is my age. Within that time I have married, helped to raise two kids—successfully I might add. They are wonderful young people. I have worked inside and outside of the home, full and part time. I’ve kept a sort of clean home—the Board of Health hasn’t caught up with me yet at any rate. Is the fact that I have done those things, sometimes well and sometimes not the sum and total of who I am? No. They point to who I am. They are nuances of who I am. But they are not the “me” in my skin. The “me” who listens to Frank Sinatra because I like his voice and the songs. Who sings along with show tunes because I like them and know the words. Who taps her foot to the Who, the Stones and the Beatles as well. The me whose running commentary while driving is not always the nicest, Christian way of looking at things, which is what I claim to be. I was reading a book (of course I was reading a book, I’m almost always reading a book) that said I should observe the way I view my life. For some it’s a carousel, for some it’s a trial. But I thought of mine like a journey. And I’ve been on this journey for 50 plus years. A lot of people my age say they remember saying to their friends when they were much younger, that people in their fifties were old. But I don’t remember saying that kind of thing. My grandmothers were old, but I don’t remember thinking that that was necessarily a bad thing to be. I liked my grandmothers. I never thought of my mother as old. Or my father either. They were ageless entities. Always there. Until my dad wasn’t anymore. But my mother is there and still outside the bounds of age. I don’t know why this is. Age just wasn’t important to me. I didn’t pray to God to make me old enough to drink or vote. I just accepted age as what happened when you lived day to day and you didn’t die before you woke up. I supposed at one time I might have lamented not being old enough for something. But I honestly can’t remember wishing to be older. But I didn’t wish to be ancient either. Or crotchety. Or infirm. I’m not--yet. Will I be? I find myself wondering about “what’s around the bend”. Suddenly thinking of growing older. Its’ a new experience for me.

Non-healing wound

The scar that doesn't heal
The hurt that keeps on hurting
Cannot be dismissed by ibuprofen
Or Tums.
The heart can't be healed
With band aids or duct tape
Or explained away with
Self serving solicitations on TV.
Each day takes you one step away
From the fresh pain
The newer hurt, the unforgiving ache.
Each day steps more into the world of
Now instead of then
And the world seeps itself into
Your conscious mind, blurring the thoughts
Numbing the tracks, smearing the lines
Of thought.
Until time slowly slips a skin over the
raw mark. But it never goes away.
And it breaks afresh once in a while
In a tide of onrushing emotions that can't
Be held back with tissues, but is helped with hugs.
Until, once again, the steps of each new moment
Take you out of the past into the day with
A broken heart and a scar that can't be healed.

Dreaming About?

I read a post recently about dreaming and it was obviously on my mind today. I stayed home from work, feeling nauseous and blah. In the middle of the morning I succumbed to a nap and the dream I had was so intense in its reality, I had a hard time waking up and leaving it on the couch where I was slumped.

So this was the dream. I dreamt that I was asleep on the couch and I began to hear kids voices. They were the voices of my children calling to me. My children in reality are young adults and not living at home. But in this dream they were in the house again. I could feel the pull of them calling to me and then hear them pounding down the stairs. The feelings I had hearing them were the same feelings I used to have when they were home--exasperation on their needing me yet again, concern that they had somehow just done something to the house that was irreparable, tired of being "on call." In the dream, my son appeared to me at the door on the porch and said as plain as if I were awake, "Mommy? Come upstairs. We have to show you something." I swear I felt myself rising from the couch, my arms raising to take his hand and then I heard my dream voice saying, okay I'm coming. In this dream I got up and went upstairs to my son's room where it became more weird and dreamlike in the things that took place. But the "feeling" of having them in the house with me again, running up and down the stairs and yelling and calling me, well, I woke up somewhat startled to realize that it was a dream and the reality was that they aren't here anymore and haven't been for a while.

And the rest of the day I missed them and that time with an ache that had nothing to do with the bug I was trying to chase from my system and everything to do with the quiet house.

Being a Slave...to Fashion?

What is it about women and clothes? I mean, I watched, "The Devil Wears Prada" and understand why fashion mavens do what they do and why we buy into it, I guess. But sometimes I believe this stuff was pounded into us subliminally when we were in the womb and we just can't escape.

I offer as an example (this statement said in my best Rod Serling impersonation) this past Friday. My husband and I attended a late afternoon/early evening wedding. It was a lovely day, but very hot. The week previous to this happy occasion, we had attended a funeral and well, let's just say the contrasts between the one service and the other within a week was dizzying. Now as a woman who has spent the last 40 or so years trying desperately to figure out what to wear and when to wear it, the funeral was easy. Basic black is always the preferred. Even navy blue or brown or even gray are fine. But see, weddings elude me. Do you dress festively? Do you wear lighter colors? Since it's fall, aren't your lighter colors already packed away next to the beach towels? I originally decided on a black dress. But I had been in black so much lately with the funeral, I thought I should somehow be more light-hearted! I noted right away at the wedding that this was wrong thinking. Every single woman there had on something with black on it, in it or swirled through it. All of their shoes were black--all of them. I stood there with my cheery, shimmering bronze blouse with a floating bronze and off white skirt and thought, Oh, God, I've done it again. I tried to remain in the background next to the wall paper the rest of the evening. I even wore beige strappy high heels. Horrors! I couldn't even claim to have a darker color wrap to put over my glaring faux paux.

Now I need to point out that not one single person said anything to me, or even looked like they were sneering. Everyone we talked to was gracious and genial and we all thought the company was fine and fun. But, I knew deep down that every woman who saw me, thought, "thank God I wore black." And next time, for sure, I'll wear it too.

a Long Time Ago

It was a long, long time ago
When my hair was longer
And I was thinner, in a skirt set
That was so trendy, I thought it belonged
To my sister.

We went to someone's house
For a christening
Someones I didn't know but he did
And chatting and eating
He talked a lot that day
So unlike his usual self.

I stuck to the outskirts
in my Skirt set
Watching and waiting for what
I'm sure I don't know.
But trying not to put a
Well shod foot wrong
To break the image of belonging with him
In amongst the programmers and office staff.

It was then, trying to remain invisible
Someone gave me a baby to hold.
They --the baby that is--was not fussy or loud
Or uncomfortable
and it wasn't the child of honor.
But a baby nonetheless.

I don't remember holding a baby
Before this afternoon of
Grown ups and parties.
I supposed I must have.
But I was careful and nervous
And remembered that children
Will know your nervousness and react to it
Like a dog can smell fear.
And I didn't want to be afraid,
So I placed this little child on
My lap and gazed at its little face
And it's pumping fists.
As it gazed at me from it's almost
Non-existent lids.
I don't remember if a boy or girl
Was what occupied my lap
But I do remember thinking,
"I can do this"

A thought that never occurred to me before.

Autumn Thoughts

I sat at a red light recently and saw the season had changed. Just like that. With a snap of her saucy finger, Mother Nature had begun to change the leaves. It was hotter than blazes as my grandmother used to say. Sticky and humid and stale as only New Jersey can be. I sat at the light and saw a tree had already changed its color. It wasn't dried out. Its leaves weren’t shriveled as though diseased. They were gold and brown with a blush of red. It looked like fall. It reminded me of so many autumns of the past. When we were rushing to get school supplies. When we rushed down to see the class listings posted on the front doors of the school. When we rushed to a relative’s house for one last picnic before the schedules and responsibility filled all the upcoming weekends. And I thought to myself, I wish for just one more of those fall seasons. My youngest has gone off to live in the land of one season. My oldest will again be teaching. I'm sure she has a whole new set of feelings when she sees the trees change color. But for me, I remember the squeaky new shoes, the starched new dresses, the slicked back hair, the smell of the chalkboard dust, the garbled morning announcements. And for my children, I’ll remember the nervous laughter of the kids gathered at the front of the school on their first day back. And their quick glance in my direction before entering the doors, as if to verify that yes, indeed, summer is over and fall is really here. The tree informed me in a hundred and one different memories and smells that the fall is just a season, no longer an event.

Observations

One of the things that I like to point out to people in my exasperating way, is that I am an observant person. Observant of either physical or empathic things. I have been known to see caterpillars where others have missed them and sensed angst where others have insisted none existed.

I'm not sure why this is. I like caterpillars as much as the next guy I guess. But I like seeing the anomalies that others can't or won't take the time to see. Of course I have friends who hate creepy, crawlies and so therefore, wouldn't look for these things if given a chance or even a reason to.

I think the reason I can sense feelings has to do with being able to feel so deeply when I was younger. I was a lonely kid, not many friends and some of them were rather a pathetic excuse for friends. So I would try and figure out why others acted the way they did and I could do this without attracting attention because, well, no one was paying attention. It was an atmosphere conducive to investigation. And I think I got rather adept at reading facial expressions and body language. Coupled with my lack of hearing, I think I've gotten more attuned to these ques.

Hasn't gotten me much more in the way of friends, but at least now I can understand why...sort of...

And Then There Are Days

Some days are filled with endless, um, stuff to do, I guess is the right phrase-ology. Go to the store, go to the bank, get gas for the car, water the plants, you know, stuff. And then there are the days when the stuff seems like nonsense and you stare for a very long time at the violets on your windowsill, the shape of the flowers, the fuzziness of the leaves, even the color of the blooms is amazing and you aren't even smoking pot! You get frozen in time sort of. Something catches your eye that you've seen lots of times before and maybe it's the way the light is hitting it or the way the breeze is moving it and suddenly it's like nothing you've ever seen before.

The thing that really catches you up though, are not the inanimate things. Mostly, the breath seizing moments are from those you love. You see them suddenly so clearly and so sharply in focus, you wonder how you didn't notice this before. Or maybe you did notice before, but it's been so long you don't remember the last time.

Our mother is 79 (sorry mom, don't read this if you can't "handle the truth" I say grinning). She has whitish, reddish, blondish short hair that either curls or bends its own way. She has a good sense of self most days. People think she is as close to a real-live saint as anyone could get. But I'm thinking of the morning a few weeks ago when I went out to breakfast with her and my step-dad. She and I both love a good breakfast out and we happen to serendipitously have a day when we could indulge ourselves. We went to a place with good pancakes, good coffee and the atmosphere wasn't as loud as a lot of other places. That last is important because we (my mother and I) both wear hearing aids and some places it just doesn't matter how high the volume is cranked on those helpful devices in ours ears, it's just too loud for conversation. Anyway, we got seated in a booth, made our selections and began to talk about this, that and the other thing. I remember thinking how lovely it was to sit and talk to mom, as I have almost always been able to do, about anything. And that her husband would throw in a comment, quip or joke now and then to punctuate our conversation.

It is usually during these talks with mom that my concerns about my children or husband or work come out. Depending on the severity or mood of either of us, we either talk about how to solve the problem, poke holes in everyone else's assumptions about how to work through this or laugh about how you can't choose your family, or employment is hell except for the paycheck. But this particular morning I had picked up that she was concerned about something, I could see it in her eyes. I asked her about it and after briefly dancing around the subject, it came out that she feared she was becoming too much like her mother and it worried her. Now my mother loved her mother fiercely--this I know. But Mom was always able, or at least as far back as I remember, to see my grandmother's flaws--not as a blunt instrument with which to pummel her, but a tool to show others how thinking can be different for different people. My grandmother was not a bad person, she was a person like all others. She had prejudices and feelings about the way things "ought to be" and she shared them relatively freely. Our mother taught us to take those granny-isms and sift through them. Not to take them as decrees from the Almighty, but take them as opinions from someone older and experienced in life. Mom saw a family home movie at our house recently and seeing my grandmother in it, projected the the ways they were alike onto herself--the fact that Mom walks with a limp now and so did our grandmother. The fact that our grandmother couldn't hear and Mom has to wear hearing aids. She saw herself as becoming her mother and she didn't want to be her.

I point out that I loved my grandmother fiercely as well. But saw her as an old woman who frequently did not wish to see the world as it was and by force of will would try to bend it back to the way it "ought to be." But our mother does not do that and I don't believe she ever will. I endeavored to help her see this by saying, "You're not your mother," I told her in my most convincing "Mommy-tone". "You cannot be. You have experienced things she never did, saw things she never saw, reacted to things she never even dreamed of having to deal with. You lived in a different era, you married a different man than your father (we both rolled our eyes at that one!) and you had four children. She only had two. You didn't experience life as she did. Although you shared a past, you had a different future. You are able to see things differently, more openly, more compassionately than she was able to in her lifetime. That isn't a bad thing, it is simply a different thing. As much as you and I are alike, we are not the same person. We can't be. And so neither can you be your mother."

She looked down then. I thought I had upset her and was mad at myself. I didn't know whether she agreed with my assessment or not, but felt it had to be said. After a moment she looked up and mouthed the words, "thank you." I was hit then with the love our mother has for us. The fact that she sees things in us we don't always see, loves us with an unconditional love that I know I feel I don't deserve at times. It was a breath catching moment between us that only lasted a moment, but will remain with me for a long time.

We don't get days of this kind of connection. Just moments. I hope I recognize them when they happen again, just for a moment.

Look it Up

I began to notice that when I want to look something up...no topic in particular, just general random stuff, I go to internet. And one of the things that almost always pops up is something from Wikipedia. Have you noticed that handy-dandy resource? Of course, you have! The problem is trusting Wikipedia for too much. You see anyone can add to it. No expertise required. This is not necessarily a good thing. It's especially bad if you feel too lazy to go somewhere else to look up whatever you are trying to find. Because Wikipedia is soooo easy. Quoting it however, is probably not a wise thing. I mean, once in a while for a quick piece of information its okay. But to trust this site with all your information needs is probably asking to get burned by "Wacked Out Bob in Minnesota."

It is good though for some background things. Some quick reference that you vaguely knew, and just need to have it verified. Or maybe not. See I want to trust the site and the people on it, I just can't. Every time I think it's okay to believe something on there, there's some little quirky piece of info that sort of sounds right, but maybe not.

The hubby is notorious for not believing anything he reads on internet. He's skeptical of everything. I'm not that bad yet. I still believe, well some of the time.

I found myself going to our World Book Encyclopedia on the shelf the other day to look something up. The books seemed reluctant to open in a way. Perhaps they were miffed at being used so seldom. Perhaps they are just old and it's harder to make the old binding work (kind of like me). Anyway it was sort of nostalgic to look something up the old fashioned way. I felt virtuous for having gone this route. But the information I wanted wasn't in there, the books are too old. I perused the pages anyway, looking at this and that. I remember how much I liked to do that as a kid. Just sit and browse the encyclopedia (I didn't get out much). And so I decided that I will try to not be so quick on the trigger (or keyboard as it were) next time I want to look something up. I'll just go to the books on the shelf first. And then consult Wacked Out Bob to see if he has the same info. This might just improve my detection skills. Or it might just remind me to use more than one resource--which is what the old librarian at my elementary school taught us in the Stone Age. Some things just need to be reinforced as we get older.

It had 8 legs and was moving fast!

I am not a fan of spiders. I don't think I ever was. My mother probably gave me the fear, but if not, I probably cultivated it by myself. I was never squeamish about other bugs. I used to lift rocks and sort through underbrush to see beetles, sow bugs, ants, any kind of creepy crawly. But if it had 8 legs, I was out of there. I didn't wait around to see what it would do as I did with other bugs. I was gone. This reticence about arachnids extends to scorpions, though I don't live in an area where they seem to live, so I'm lucky I guess. But spiders are everywhere, I'm told. Even Antarctica. I wonder what penguins think of them...

Anyway, I have cultivated a sort of calm demeanor about sightings as I age. I no longer scream when I see one. At least if it's small, say about a centimeter or so. If they politely scurry out of sight, I can pretend I didn't see it. The bigger ones still bother me, though. I couldn't live in a place where they grow to tarantula proportions. And don't help me out by saying, "any spider if it lives long enough can get that big." I don't want to know. And if it is that big, it had better not show up in my house. Which leads me to the next train of thought. If it's in my house and it isn't tiny, I do not believe it should be in my house, therefore I squish it. Do not tell me how helpful they are about eating other bugs. I will not listen to reason in this respect, so you might as well save your breath. If you're that fond of them, I'll put them in a jar and send them 'round to your place, shall I? A family member bought me a spray can of some noxious stuff that had an ugly gargantuan spider on the front of it. The can said it would kill a spider immediately. I unfortunately tested this out once while my children watched in fascination as I emptied the entire contents on a rather large specimen in our basement sink. It did not die quickly. It's legs folded up under it, while those multiple eyes sparkled at me malevolently, as it slowly collapsed. It was horrifying. Trust me. Even though the kids thought it entertaining. I keep going down the basement sure that it's relatives are waiting for me skulking along the duct work and pipes, waiting to catch me unawares. But I'm never unawares, I'm always armed and watching. It makes for interesting conversation for those around me as they see me prepare to descend the cellar steps. My family also bought me a robotic tarantula. It stays in the top of the closet in the family room. Where I can't see it. It's probably lurking with the real dead spider's kith and kin, waiting for the moment to leap and give me a heart attack.

I realize that I have given these creatures power over me, but I can't seem to help myself. It seems to me that they are more like the evil behemoths from the movie Arachnid than Charlotte from Charlotte's Web. And so yesterday, when I drove down the driveway to park the car outside of the garage and turned the car off, the fates favored the spider over the human. I saw an orange spot about the size of a quarter skitter down the windshield, tethered slightly by a sticky strand off it's rear end. It practically rolled down the glass and slid like a baseball player coming into home plate down under the wipers and then under the hood of the car. It happened so quickly I couldn't even turn the car on to make a token swipe at it with the wipers. And I sat there temporarily unsure what to do. Where would a spider go under the hood of the car? Was it just under the hood, waiting to spring out at me if I opened to look for it? Was it running down through the various wires, metal things and rubber hoses to drop down to the ground and take cover in the ivy next to the driveway? Was it biding it's time waiting for an opening to somehow crawl inside the car and leap on me, sucking the juices from me as I drove into a telephone pole? Where in the hell did it go? I was so unnerved, I slowly got out of the car and wouldn't get back in. My husband had to park the car for me. I told him I would drive him to the train station this morning, and I approached the car with trembling fingers. Fearing that a web would have been woven across the window, the steering wheel or the seat. But none of those things were there and there were no tell tale sticky strands in the car that I could see. But then I suppose, it's just biding it's time, with the fake tarantula and the deceased spider's relatives from the cellar. Waiting, waiting...

A Different World

When you exist in a place, going from day to day
Seeing, but not
Hearing, but not
It takes on the feeling of Musak
Just background without substance.

And so as I look out the window this evening,
In the distance I can see a glow of lights from something, maybe a town?
Six floors up is a unique perspective.

I am in a hospital bed this evening. I was admitted this day with discomfort in my chest. Can't call it pain, really. I wanted to ignore it and now some twelve hours later, I wish I had. The pain from the Nitro-patch is worse than the original experience. Eventually the nurse removes it and gives me pills to ease the headache.
I'm wearing a monitor hung from my neck, like an albatross, only not fuzzy. It doesn't hurt either. It just a reminder, beeping as it does.

The hospital is a strange place at night after the visitors have left. There are far away moans and coughs. Nearby rustlings of bed sheets, murmured questions, clicking of bottles, tubes and paraphernalia. Shoes squeak down the hall and the bing, bing, bing of the nurse's call button is heard in several places.

The blowing of the air conditioning, the grunting of the guy across the hall, backdrops all to the stream of recriminations in my mind. Why did you come here, it asks. You could have ignored it, it states. I'll never get to sleep, it nudges. Unfortunately, that last voice is right.

When I come home the next day, the sounds are there, the ones I hadn't been hearing lately. The birds at the bird feeder. The bubbling of the fish tank. Even the whine of the cat looking for dinner, all remind me I'm home. I like these noises better.

The 4th

What is it about patriotic holidays that makes me so sentimental? I really like all that flag-waving, fireworks shooting, family picnicing. And then they show those war movies on TV and I'll even watch one or two. My eyes well up when I hear the Marine Band play, or the radio plays the occasional all male choir from some military institution or another and "I fill with pride and deep within my breast, I thrill to see old glory paint the breeze."

My father was a WWII vet and I'm proud of that. But I'm filled with a sense of wonder about how this country came to be and continues to be. Yes, I know there are things that are wrong with this country. Yes, I know that there are things which need to be fixed. But what other country in the world has a democracy that works so gloriously. So allow me my flag waving, my filling with pride. I will go back to the grumbling about bad policies, bad decisions by law-makers and corporations alike after this weekend. But just for this weekend, Hooray for America!

The Chlorophyll Influence

My son sent an e-mail the other day informing me of his purchase of a plant for his new apartment. He included a picture. He knew I would be pleased with his new purchase because we always have plants in our houses. It was not always so with me. I didn't really pay much attention to plants at our childhood home within. I was always more interested in the flora outside the home, gazing at the "four-o-clocks" in the front yard, looking into the abyss of a hole in the giant maple tree out front. When I got married, one of the first presents was some kind of stalky green thing from the people my husband worked with--to keep me company when he had to work late on a special project. Now 30 something years later, it is that same kind of stalky green thing my son has purchased for his place. What goes around comes around I guess.

I like plants. Looking out the front window of our living room, the green dogwood is framed by the plants on the windowsill. The sun filters through the arrow-head shaped leaves and glances off the upright growth of the plant next to it. I'm not going to name all the kinds of plants I have in the house. I don't think I know all the names of them anymore. I mean their generic names, I never quite mastered the scientific ones of anything. And I don't name them either--Ethel, George. I do talk to them though and gently rub their leaves from time to time. The ones I currently have growing here are a amicable bunch. They don't demand too much.

I don't have a good relationship with certain plants, I've noticed. Boston ferns and I do not understand each other. Their idea of ideal growing environments and mine simply do not mesh. And Fushias are much too picky for me. Water me now, NO, too much, well now I"m bone dry. Nope, I just don't want to hear their whining. Of course, I received one for a present recently so I've placed her in a window and hope for the best. But she isn't with the rest of the plants in the living room. No one likes a whiner. I received an orchid recently, also as a present. Orchids and I do not have a good history either, but I was determined to figure out how to keep this one alive and so far I have--a breakthrough to be sure. Poinsettias and I get along famously. Every year I buy at least four of them, and they happily shed, bring little black bugs and endless watering accidents into the home. But by May, when they are still thinking they own the place, I plant them outside in one of the flower beds. They grow just fine until the cold winds of November. No, I do not dig them up and take them in. I let them die a natural death then buy four new ones to perpetuate the cycle in December. I like to think I'm doing my part in the floral economy with this cycle.

I have a palm tree, too. It was part of a planter that my father-in-law received when he moved into a nursing home. After he died, I took the planter home and re-potted all the individual plants. They all died of something or other except the palm. He has been dead for seven years now and the palm is waist high from the floor. I look at it and think of him, his laughter, his calm demeanor and I feel like I have a piece of him with me.

I add on to my collection from time to time. I have a pink-spotted plant on the porch which is a recent addition. It seems like it can't decide whether it is a close growing bush-kind-of-thing or a taller-more-majestic-kind-of-thing. I'm letting it work itself out on it's own. There are two tree-like stalky things growing on the plant stand above the pinky. They've been in residence for a while--they were the new kids on the block for some time. They grudgingly grow something like an inch every 5 years, so I really can't be certain whether they are okay or not. I think they like to confuse me, so I keep them on because of the challenge in their growth--attitude makes the difference.

My sister seems to think I am a plant guru. But really, I just water and let them go. I do feed every now and then. I pet them occasionally and promise I won't let the cat chew on them (she's getting too old for that challenge any more anyway). The african violets on the windowsill bloom for me in grateful appreciation for finding the right light in a house which has a lot of shade. So the plants and I get along. We've found peace in suburbia together. Watching the sun shift through their leaves day and day out with nary a whine in between.