Bugs, part 2

I found this on the garage today. It looks like a leaf doesn't it? But it's a moth. He's been sitting there since this morning. Just sitting right there under all those hungry birds' beaks. Which is, I suppose why he's been sitting there as opposed to making a break for it.

There are over 160,000 kinds of moths according to good ol' Wikipedia. Ten times more species than butterflies (my mother's personal favorite). I have heard them described as teddy bears with wings by Robert Fulghum. A bother to those who know that they lay eggs on plants and the larvae chew away until they become moths and the cycle goes around ad nauseum. I remember once as a kid finding this incredibly huge caterpillar, green with little spikes on its body. It broke a couple of sticks before I could actually move it. It evolved into a Cecropia moth-a huge brown thing that was as big as my hand. We caught a Luna moth once also. That delicate mint green moth again nearly as big as my hand. I always feel kind of sorry for the poor suckers though. Destined to fly towards the outside lights and smash themselves repeatedly on the glass. Sometimes getting caught in the spider web surrounding the light (oh, they are so clever and devious, aren't they?). I knew someone who didn't like moths because they "grabbed" you with their spiky little legs. They grabbed you? I've never seen a moth big enough to grab me, and the tiny little things on their legs which enable them to cling to sides of buildings don't hurt. I was baffled by her disgust, but I don't think everyone feels the same about spiders as I do either. To each his own in the bug world I guess. Anyway, take a moment to look up moths sometimes and you'll be amazed at their variations and coloration. They are amazing at camouflage and just as amazing standing out in a crowd. I'm just saying...

Bugs, part I

Bugs and I have an interesting relationship. The crawling kind of beetle, the undulating caterpillar, the moth or butterfly, even the ant I've sat and watched practically my whole life. I've read up on lots of kinds of creepy, crawlies. Some things would probably have been better if I'd never read them. But isn't that true of most things we read? But I can't seem to make my piece with a couple of bugs. One of them I know why and one I don't, not really anyway. The first kind of bug that I just really don't like much are spiders. I know, I know. Poor maligned eight legged creatures. I realize how beneficial they are. I've read plenty of things about them to underscore their importance in the "cycle of life". But really, I just can't like them. I just can't. If they are in my house, they should know better. Because I will not be kind to them there. Squishing is the order of the day. And I don't really care how little they are. Of course, if they have the audacity to be huge, then well, the arsenal comes out and the only survivor (at least so far anyway) is me. They move too fast. Have two extra legs for running and those eyes. Ewww. And on close ups? They're hairy, all of them. Nope, I'm not gonna be their best friend. Sorry. I'm pretty sure the reason I don't like them is because our mother was totally freaked out by them, like screaming in the other room, freaked out. So I figure I come by this prejudice honestly. And really, a lot of other people shudder when the discussion of spiders comes up. So I'm not alone. But the other bug which, er-um, bugs me? That would be bees. Now probably the reason they bother me is because I know they sting. Simply put, if it's going to hurt you, you probably don't really want to be good friends with them either. But I used to be pretty irrational about them as well. I recall one time riding in the back seat of the family sedan on the way to Grandma's house. A bumble bee flew in the back window and went down the front of my blouse. I screamed bloody murder! My mother thought I had lost a limb or something as she careened to the side of the road. Traumatized--truly shaken I was. Another time I was leaving a friends house and walking home when I noticed something on my pant leg. I looked down and a (you guessed it) bumble bee was walking up my leg. I was frozen on the spot. It wasn't until it had walked up to the middle of my t-shirt that I could force myself to flick the shirt, where the bee flung itself off and flew away without a thought in the world about the horrified, catatonic child standing on the side of the road. When I see bees zooming around the ground while at a stop light, I close the windows. I don't care how hot you get, they are not coming in to get me. I can feel the panic rising when I see them harmlessly gathering nectar from the clover in the yard. Bees. Another shudder racks the body. I don't believe my fear was passed down from anyone like the spiders thing. I just know they terrify me and I don't want to be anywhere near them. Even the hives behind glass that you can watch their industriousness. Not me, no sir. Be as busy as you want...just leave me alone! I will be posting in the next few weeks about bugs, but these two just happen to be on my list today. In the meantime, if you are a beekeeper or an arachnid-file, just keep your hobbies to yourself and I'll keep the flyswatter away from you.

"Toothiness"

So I don't really like the dentist. And my dentist is a nice guy too! So is his son who has gone into practice with him. They are both very nice guys. Like to laugh. Always trying to make sure you're comfortable, even if they think you are the biggest baby they have ever met, they do not let you know they think that. But I don't like the dentist anyway. I don't know if its related to some deep dark secret in my past or what, but if I have to go, even to get my teeth cleaned, I'm reluctant, hesitant, and willing to be led astray before embarking. I bring this up because I've been spending a lot of time with the dentist the last few weeks. It kind of began before that about 8 months ago when I completed getting a root canal and cap. I thought I would be through seeing both the endodontist (who is a very nice man as well, soft spoken, plays classical music) and the regular dentist for quite a while. Only the occasional stops to get the teeth scraped, gums gouged, you know that kind of thing. But it didn't work out that way. It began innocently enough with a hike. Hubby and I like to take hikes in the state in which we live (no, not the state of confusion, focus people!). We find these trails that are secluded and beautiful within driving distance and spend our afternoons clomping around in our hiking boots watching the locals dive for cover as we come over a ridge. Sometimes the animals run away, too. But I digress. We had found a nice little trail near the Princeton area, had traveled on it and walked into the beautiful town of Princeton for a bite to eat. Hiking is thirsty work, but you can get hungry, too. We found a great place to eat and settled down to watch people and nosh. They brought this delicious soup to the table, potato, leek and blue cheese soup. I'm telling you it was ambrosia for the tongue. It was also very hot, which was fine because the weather was still early spring-nippy. But as I slurped the soup, the heat caused one of the back teeth to well, cry out, is the best way I can describe it. Now, if you've never had a tooth cry out, you're fortunate. There is nothing like the throbbing insistence of a tooth-ache. Trust me on this. It robs you of all coherent thought, except how much this sucker hurts. I tried to be stoic so Hubby wouldn't realize anything was wrong. But he can read me like a book and besides I was wincing every time I swallowed a mouthful. By the time we got home, my head was pounding, not just the tooth. But I took some pain relievers and they relieved my pain (isn't modern medicine wonderful) and tried not to think of the tooth. The thing is, I could avoid having pain if I a) chewed on the other side of my mouth and b) if everything was the temperature of oatmeal which had been sitting out for about an hour. Not too cold, not too warm, but just right. Nothing is ever that temperature for long, so I was constantly adjusting the temperature of hot tea with ice cubes and yogurt with the microwave. You get the idea. I kept thinking that it was the tooth that had received the root canal. But having a root canal means the nerve is gone which is the thing which cries out. I even looked up if it was possible that a root canal didn't "take", you know, like the color on your roots don't take in your hair when you reach a certain age. Anyway, the endodontist who did the work on me before is a very well respected and careful doctor. So I couldn't just say he did a lousy job. But man, that tooth was annoying. So finally, I couldn't stand it any more and went to the dentist. I told him that the tooth that had the root canal was bothering me. Or at least I thought it was that tooth. He smiled in his soothing way and said, it couldn't be that tooth as there was nothing left inside it to feel pain. And then he told me, "let's just see which tooth it might be." As I said before I don't like going to the dentist. When he suggested that we would find out which tooth it was, I don't know what I thought he would do. What he did do was take some kind of metal implement, spray something on it to give it arctic coldness and proceed to touch my back teeth with this. He lingered on the tooth with the cap, telling me what he was doing so I would know that it couldn't be that tooth. Yeah okay, so you were right, I thought. And then he touched the one next to it. After prying my fingers from his wrist, he smiled a little more defensively and said, "Well it's the one right next to that capped one." I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be glad I had the general area down or just be grateful he wasn't using that instrument of torture anywhere else in my mouth. It is now 3 months later. I had to chew on the left side of my mouth for all that time. He referred me to the nice endodontist who played Mozart and spoke softly (a problem for me as he wore a mask also and I wear hearing aids and couldn't read his lips, but we managed), we did another root canal and I now have a new cap next to the other one. But I swear, as God is my witness, I'm not going through this again for a very long time. If I have a toothache, I'm going to suppress it with drugs and bite leather belts or whatever else I have to do. And if it means adding ice to my tea, well, Goldilocks, look out! It's gonna have to be just right for some time.

Moodish Posting

I'm grumpy today. And grousing about everything. To get the true picture of my grumbling mood, you would only need to see where I'm writing this post. I'm on the porch with the cat. Yes, that cat. She is stretched out on the rug to the right of the couch without a care in the world. She has trailed food all over the floor out here. But it bothers her not one whit. Why, if she bothers me so much am I sitting here then? Well, the side porch which she has been delegated to due to her unpredictable toiletry habits is the only place where I can sit comfortably with an open window and a ceiling fan. I could sit at the kitchen table and have done so on occasion. But I needed to slouch today and this couch is perfect for that. I won't be able to slouch in it much longer though. We have a new sofa on order, something well made and not as, well, slouchy. Which my back and my husband's back will truly appreciate. But in a bad mood, slouching is so much better on this piece of furniture. Should you ask me why I'm so grumpy today, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Nothing cataclysmic happened at work. No screaming parents, scheming students, annoyed administrators. Nope, nothing. But things just feel off today. As if the universe is wobbling slightly off kilter and no one notices but me. Maybe its because our neighbors moved and the new people are puttering around changing things. Maybe because the other neighbors across the street are moving as well and their entrepreneurial offspring will be leaving the street bereft without the permanent lemonade stand erected every other week to supplement their television watching addiction (cable costs quite a lot). Maybe it's because the neighbor on the other side, can't quite bring herself to run the leaf blower until 6:00 every night as we sit down to eat and I'm kind of sick of closing the window to drown out the sound. When I force myself to stop and listen, the birds are singing. The planes are droning overhead. There is a slight breeze shushing through the leaves. The sun has decided to come out after myriads of days hiding behind monstrous gray billows. But the cat is now noticing me and meowing in that quavering voice of hers which drives me to distraction. And I'm left trying to find some contentment and failing miserably. I have nothing to complain about, but I'm doing it anyway. Shame on me. Oh, good, now I can feel guilty as well as grumpy. I'll try working this out, but in the meantime, you should go read someone else's post.

Ma

This one will take me a while to work through. Mother's Day is coming up. Our mom is 80. She looks pretty good I think. She doesn't think so. She told our sister that if she had known she would've looked this way she would have shot herself a long time ago. Pause for that to sink in, please. Her brother is younger than her. He's looking old, but not in a bad way. They are the last of their family. I don't try to figure out their dynamics anymore. I learned that it is not really my place to figure it out and they seem pretty comfortable with things as they are. Why mess? Mom never seems to change. There was a time when she had an edge to things she said, at least I felt that way. She seems mellower now--towards me, towards life, who knows. I know she enjoys when the family gets together immensely. She may not hear everything, but she looks from face to face at people's expressions and reactions and can glean pretty much the gist of the conversation from that, I gather. I often wonder what she is thinking as she watches us talk and laugh and argue. I couldn't ask her as she wouldn't tell me the truth. She'd tell me what I wanted to hear. That's the problem, if there is any, with mom. There are schematics to her inner workings, but she doesn't really let anyone in to read them. Sometimes I'm pretty adept at reading the "signs" as we seem to think along the same lines. But sometimes she seems like an alien being I've known all my life and still can't quite fathom. I guess to a degree we're all like that. No one can know all our thoughts, except the ones we chose to share with others. But there are times when she says things in a certain way, phrases things with a certain pitch, that I would give my last dollar to find out exactly what was behind the words or even the jutted jaw. I know we sound alike, even dress alike sometimes. We, however, are not like the Patty Duke show. I'm younger and think differently about some things. I like the fact that my mother and I are alike. And sometimes, I think it must give my husband pause to think that this is the way I will be several years from now. I like that too! She is so generous. Her cup overflows with tenderness for her family. And her husband's family as well. And her friends. Sometimes, not as much anymore, but still sometimes she wears herself out caring for others. Because of the health issues she has, and really for someone her age there aren't THAT many things wrong, she simply cannot do the same things she did before. I'm pretty sure that bothers her. But again, I can't ask. See the paragraph above. She is quick to defend her grandchildren. She is a fierce protector of her home, her husband, her dog and her children, not necessarily in that order. Her faith is rock solid. She has a devotion time every morning, a discipline I've yet to conquer. When I have a need to discuss spiritual matters, she is who I go to. And she talks as an equal to me. She doesn't pontificate. I wouldn't talk to her if she did. She analyzes, ruminates, questions and laughs at the absurdity of Christianity and her fellow followers. But she never condescends which is why is such a great teacher both of bible studies and conversation. She is a good role model. She is not a saint, she's more like an angel. Angels are messengers from God. Yeah, mom is like that. She is human, not above making mistakes and being cranky. But on the whole, she is the one I'd want to go to and see no matter what or when. I can't imagine what life would have been like without her. Happy Mother's Day Ma!

Life in the Slow Lane

I imagine the song for this being somewhat sluggish as opposed to the driving beat of the "Life in the Fast Lane". The slow lane is for those of us who want to stop the world and get off, and meander through the woods looking at wild flowers. The slow lane is for those of us who wander through Wal-Mart not only looking at the bargains, but the bargain hunters who are almost as entertaining as the bargains! The slow lane if for those who start walking down the street in the direction of the shopping district and end up on some back street marveling at the way the azaleas are blooming already and in such magnificent shades of magenta! In short, the slow lane is for those who have time to appreciate things around them without whizzing through while on the way to soccer practice or piano lessons. Of course, the slow lane can be for those who are taking piano lessons at an advanced age and finding it more fun to figure out how to play Mairse Doats instead of Chopin's something or other. It might sounds as though I'm retired, but I'm not. Though I would like to be. But I'm just observing how sometimes life in the slow lane has it advantages. It's harder to get riled up over something when you take your time to think about it instead of just reacting. It's easier to smile at little kids who are carrying on to beat the band, then grumbling about the noise they're making when you take time to consider that they won't be doing this forever. I'm not at the point yet, where the slow lane has taken over my thinking. But it's creeping up on me and I like that in a way. I find I have time to savor things when I really take the time to do so. When I'm conscious of deciding to slow down, I think I feel better about things. So I'm going to try and do that more. Because life in the slow lane is surely gonna make my day!

Fixing the World

I get emails once in a while from various and sundry resources that claim they have the answer to the world's problems. Whether it's the economy of the United States, the civil unrest in Spain or the global warming melting the polar ice caps, someone has the answer. And yet, and yet...we are still in the mess we're in. The US hasn't solved their "universal health care problem", Iran is still contemplating blowing up the world yet still remaining true to it's Islam tenets (how does that work?), and the mess in Afghanistan isn't getting any less complicated. I sometimes wish the world was like a snow-globe. You could shake it a few times and the stuff inside would resettle into something else. How do we fix all that is wrong? And is the world a worse place than it was a decade ago or does it just seem that way? Was the world even 30 or 50 years ago such a mixed up mess? I don't know. And I don't know how to fix it either. Pundits with plausible ideas spew out nightly their wisdom. But why isn't anyone really doing anything to "right the wrongs" or "bridge the gap" or whatever euphemism you happen to like? And where does it end? Does it end with a new administration? With a new dictator? With a new guru? Even a new religion? Pondering these things maker me feel helpless and a little hopeless too, if you want to know. Who do you listen to? Who is right? I'm not the most well-read person about politics and world situations but do I have to be? Is there someone who is well-read enough to actually DO something? The rhetoric during a political campaign is useless. People spouting they will do this and they will do that...I don't think we can bank on them doing any of those things in reality. So what do we do? What can we do? I don't have the answer (not that I expected to have one), but it's kind of depressing that no one else does either. I'm just saying...

The jellybean lure

Every Easter someone (usually me, but not always!) puts together an Easter basket full of chocolate, marshmallow chicks, malted milk eggs and jelly beans. The fake grass which is put in the basket hides the jelly beans pretty effectively until most of the other stuff is gone. Then the little egg shaped jellies sit and call to you as you walk through the room where they nest. I've always loved the yellow and orange ones, though the green ones will do in a pinch. And I don't particularly like the spiced ones, though I realize there are those who are appalled by this. I looked around on the internet regarding the origins of the candy. Apparently, no one knows the exact origin. Something about Turkish Taffy and Jordan almonds all mixed up somehow or other. There is a mention of them as early as the US Civil War! But it wasn't until the 1970's that the Herman Goelitz Candy Company began to flavor the little beans exotically that these treats became gourmet attention getters. They were the ones who came up with pina colada, toasted coconut and other such flavors. I still prefer the old stand-bys like lemon, orange and cherry. But what do I know? I loved in the Harry Potter books, Bertie Botts had "every flavor beans" like ear wax and vomit! They apparently are so popular at Easter because of the shape of them and the fact that they are brightly colored, rendering them perfect for finding in the fake grass of an unsuspecting basket. The problem is that they are small and so you can eat like a million of them before you realize it and they are probably rotting your teeth even as you munch your 600th. Most of the time candy is big enough so that you've eaten one and you think, "whoa, if I keep this up I'll need two seats in an airplane". But the jelly bean is insidious in it's size. You walk past the basket and grab a couple. You realize, "hey, that was pretty good!" and the next time you walk past, you find yourself looking for all the yellow ones (or orange or green or if you are like my dad the black licorish ones). And the next thing you know you are standing at the table, searching for all the single color ones you have latched onto and you've completed your mission and you now have a sugar buzz and need to go out and run around the block for a while as you work it off. Of course, you don't do that. Instead you walk into the living room and crash out asleep on the couch as your body tries to balance out the sugar content in your system. When you wake up you feel like you have a hangover and you grope your way to the kitchen, only to see the basket out of the corner of your eye and you begin wondering if you got all the yellow ones (or green or red or, well,you get the idea). If you have enough will power you will not go and check, but if not you wander back to the basket and cycle repeats itself. I have considered throwing the basket out, so the temptation won't be so great. But the idea of throwing away food is repellent to me and why waste a perfectly good jelly bean? And so I can hear it in the dining room, on the table, whispering my name in a low monotonous tone. There still might be some yellow ones left. Or maybe orange. Or even green in a pinch.

The Flowers of Spring...NOT

Okay, I like to garden. I have some quirky things in the garden I plant (poinsettia's from last Christmas come to mind), but I like it and it suits me. I don't go at it full tilt all the time. Hence the weeds and funny looking thingees that grow in between the hyacinths and daffodils. But on the whole, I like to be out digging around. In the early months of the summer, I usually spend a bundle at a couple of local garden centers and grab a mish-mosh of plants to put in containers on the deck. It's the only place where the sunlight seems to concentrate, so it's more a garden in pots than in the ground. But last year, ah, last year...I read this article that explained how you could plant a whole batch of tulips in a small area and the colors would be gorgeous and concentrated in this one small spot. I was thrilled! This was it! My place to really go wild! I followed the instructions to the letter, weeding, mulching, fertilizing, chasing away squirrels, tending, talking to them, chasing away more squirrels. And lo and behold, it was so! A lovely batch of spring green beauties sprouted, waving their bulbous heads and bursting into fabulous color! Oh, it was beautiful! The neighbors were impressed with my display and to tell the truth, so was I! It is now Spring again. Tulips bloom again and again, right? So I wasn't quite as diligent as last year. But we had a mild winter. Not too much frost. Hardly any snow. The green shoots pushed their way up into the bright sunlight. I waited for the brilliant display to begin. And waited. And waited. The daffodils are already spent. The forsythia is more green than yellow by now. But not one tulip has graced a stalk. Not a one. No color. Except spring green. Not a single bloom. How can this be? Every time I back out of the driveway, they wave mockingly at me. See? They seem to say, we're still here, but we're all the same color this year! Oh, where did I go wrong? I'll have to research this phenomenon on internet. It's almost Easter and no tulips. Heavy sigh.

The Dance

Do you remember going to dances when you were in middle school? It seems Middle America has been waltzing with this "rite of passage" for a very long time. I was thinking about going to dances in the sixth, seventh and eighth grades the other day as the burb was having a dance at the Middle school. I pondered my own children's experiences but then I thought of my own and I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I remember getting ready the day of, deciding what to wear. In those "olden times" you got dressed up to go to a dance--like in a dress. It was important to look older, I recall. Flat shoes just wouldn't do, and always stockings. Of course this was before pantyhose, so the requisite armored undergarments were necessary. The hair had to be Just Right. Not too long, but definitely not short either. It had to be unfettered also. No ponytails, no upsweeps. Down and as straight as you could get it. But all that was the preliminaries. At the dance the girls stood on one side of the gym and the boys on the opposite. Certain girls were allowed to mingle, but they had certain words attached to them too (fast, easy and trash spring to mind). The boy always asked the girl to dance. This dancing was the old fashioned kind too. Box step, I think it was. One foot forward, one to the side, one back, one to the other side. You didn't travel much and there wasn't much call to talk as you were concentrating on either leading (if you were the boy) or following (if you were the girl). This was right before the Beatles music brought with it the idea that dancing could be done independently, gyrating across the floor without any seeming partners. Your right hand was on the boy's shoulder, your left in his hand. There was usually quite a distance between your bodies as you began your box-stepping. I remember one of the fast girls and her boyfriend went by the guy I was dancing with and they yelled, "Hey, want a ruler to make sure you're far enough apart?" They shuffled off, hanging on each other, snickering. We danced to songs like, "Blue Velvet" or "You Belong to Me" trying not to read too much into your partner's semi-embrace, but hoping it meant that they liked you at least a little. There was a lot of nervous laughter at least on the girls side of the gym. And the guys side seemed to be a lot of pushing, shoving and guffawing. And when the night was over and the moms and dads picked the kids up at the end, you frequently had something to write about in your diary. A long time has passed since I was at a dance. I'm sure the music is different and the gyrations are more pronounced. But I'll bet the butterflies in the stomach are still there. The jostling around on the side of the dance floor. Wondering if you'll get to dance with that cute guy or not. Some things probably never change.

It's just a little pinch...

The above is what almost any doctor will tell you before they plunge a needle into your skin. Whether it's for an antibiotic or Novocain, they preface the pain you'll feel later with the anticipation of the short pain you'll feel when the needle punctures your skin. And, in their defense it usually is just a little pin prick, hardly worth mentioning. I think they say it so you'll be prepared instead of flinching and causing them to tear a hole in your arm, mouth or wherever the "pinch" will be placed. I heard this little phrase this morning as I went to a dermatologist to get a small cyst removed from my face. She gave me three "little pinches" above my left eye in anticipation of the cut and subsequent digging in my face to get this small growth out. And it was small, really. It felt big when I touched it above my eye, but in retrospect it was less than a centimeter around and sort of a brownish-lumpy looking thing. The numbing agent she gave me is beginning to wear off now and the dull ache that I feel in my forehead is probably a foreshadowing of a long night to come. But this piece of me that I didn't want there is gone, anyway. I had two moles removed last summer. They weren't grotesquely evident to anyone, even to me really. But the location of them was troublesome when wearing a necklace and the one on my back sometimes would get irritated by my clothing. The dermatologist assured me that they weren't cancerous or anything, but I got to thinking then as I am thinking again today of why I went to the trouble of being punctured and prodded. Why not leave well enough alone? The moles have been with me since, well, childhood, I guess. Most of the time I didn't think about them. The lump underneath my eyebrow was just sort of there suddenly, but it didn't hurt. So why the removal? I don't know honestly. I don't really think it's vanity, although I've fooled myself about that enough to believe that I'm not (for those who have trouble following that statement it means I don't think I'm vain, but I know I really am!). The lump under the brow was removed because I secretly thought it might have been something bad and if I ignored it, it would become larger and more arrogant. But the moles were, well, I guess I just figured I had good insurance, so why not make sure they weren't anything bad and have them removed. Of course the "bad" is cancer. The specter of cancer lurks in my mind many times. It's a shadow cast behind family and friends. I've lost people I've really loved and admired to that big "C" and I don't want that disease to think it has a chance to become my new best friend because I've overlooked something. So here I sit on the couch, blogging away, as the numbness wears off and the day wears on. Thinking of this and that and waiting for the next dosage of Extra Strength Tylenol. Fending off thoughts of what it could have been and knowing that I'm okay. And hoping you're the same.

Moonrakers

While hubby and I were perusing the local paper the other night we became aware that the house we first lived in together was on the market. Yep, the first house we fixed up, re-wired, painted, papered and had our first child in was for sale. The owners who are selling it obviously have done some work since we lived there. The ad states it has an eat in kitchen. The little galley kitchen we used barely had room to turn around in, so obviously it has been upgraded. I have dreamed of that house repeatedly. In those dreams it is still the cute little place where I learned to be a wife, then a mommy. In the dreams though, I am always leaving it for somewhere. I don't know what that means in "dream speak". I don't think I care really. Our daughter laughingly said we should buy it and thereby come full circle. And so help me, I thought, maybe that was a good idea. But hubby and I, if we ever move, want something on one floor. Something that as the little old people we are becoming can stay in and not worry about climbing onto the roof of the porch to fix it or climbing into the attic to find out what was leaking into the kitchen. So practicality has been our motto; if we ever move. Still it was fun to reminisce about the ol' homestead. And think what life was like then and how it has become now. The sale sign is gone now and I'm sure some young couple has begun their new life there. I wish them luck and happiness. Something the house seemed to bring to us. We've been to Moonrakers and we've moved on.

Greenery

We attended the Flower Show yesterday, hubby and I. The theme this year was Hawaii. There were hundreds and hundreds of orchids everywhere! I love to look at orchids. I've only got one in the house and it seems to be growing well--oh, I shouldn't have said that, now it'll probably die. Anyway, I love admiring the varieties of orchids and well, really, any type of flower. Squinting closely at the way the coloring seems to follow the veins in the petals, admiring the graceful arch of leaves, checking out the way the roots either push up from the dirt to get a better sky view or humbly remain hidden in the dark recesses of the loamy soil, I really do enjoy studying plants. As we wandered the aisles and elbowed our way into the display areas, I was again amazed at the variety of say, tulips or daffodils. The seemingly endless array of orchids. The subtle nuances of the various ferns in the judging areas. Of course, I looked at the blue ribbons and thought to myself, hey my "insert-plant-name-here" is just as good looking as that, I could have won! But the difference between the people who entered their plants and I (besides the fact that they entered and I didn't) is that they care about winning the ribbon. Whereas I just like to have them inhabit my space with me. I love the way the poinsettias are still blooming in March in the front window of the living room. I appreciate the green accents in the sun porch in the corner, even if I can't remember the names of the plants. The african violets on the windowsill are my way of greeting the morning, even when I can make myself wake up enough to say hello to the hubby. Outside, the weather has been relatively warm for a winter in Zone 7, and the daffodils and crocuses are confused and coming up a little early to greet the season. I like their ambition. I like the splash of color before everyone else gets into the act of dressing up in their greenery. I restrained myself at the Flower Show. I bought two small plants to add to my collection. I would have loved to have purchased so many others. But we needed to ride home on the train and lugging a wheel barrow full of posies was not really what I wanted to do. But still, I took a few pictures with my phone and I'll be able to revisit the blooms if I choose. Which isn't as good as having them here with me, but it will have to do until next time.

She Walks in Beauty with the groceries

Beauty is for looking at
No matter what others say.
If the visage is not beautiful
They will not be looking your way.
Trust me on this.

The beauty of today is slim and straight
And hardly any curves
Unless you are selling underwear
With wings attached.
Trust me on this.

Skin is flawless
Lips are full-ish
Lashes are grotesquely long-ish
And hair is flowing, flowing
Past the shoulders in lustrous waves
Of rippling brown (no longer blonde-mostly)
Trust me on this.

And those of us who are
Or never have been willowy
Our hair is short, our stature shorter
Our underwear white and serviceable
Without wings or even possibly lace
Watch in haunted shadows
The passing of those long, cool drinks of water
Sometimes with a lump of envy
Sometimes with a note of irony
And mostly with a wonder, what if
Trust me on this.

We populate the daytime
With mini-vans
Small economy cars full of groceries
And love and angst
And fierce pride in our broods
We do not pout, nor whine, or expect roses
Or even dinner out (except maybe once a year).
We are real, those without the visual beauty
And we are beautiful to one another
We recognize each other
Even if not in some man’s fantasy.
Trust me on this.

It's Stupid to Get Mad, But...

I consider myself okay with computers. I know how to do certain things and in turn certain things get done for me. It's a basic premise, one that I'm comfortable with from day to day. Ah, but there are those days. I decided to be lazy and instead of sitting at my desktop, I decided to use my laptop which I hadn't powered up for a little while. I briefly recall that hubby had it upstairs tinkering about a week ago, but I didn't think anything of it. Until I tried to get on it. It is not connected to the wireless in the house...hunh? How could it not be connected to the wireless? It doesn't have to be plugged in, right? It just has to have the proper little code to work...right? And then I remembered. He moved the wireless router. We live in a brick house. The poor little laptop is lost within the walls of the dead space between brick and mortar. I have to change my location. It took me 40 minutes, I'm sorry to admit, to remember he told me this. I sent him a text message before I remembered with a snarky, sarcastic tone. Forty minutes of swearing, mumbling, yelling at the screen and then finally powering off to remember this little tidbit of info.

I'm on the desktop now. Breathing deeply and trying to remain calm. But it was just one of those days.

Good Ol' Music

I know I've written about this before, but it bears a repeating, sort of. I love music that my father loved. My hubby found on Pandora, a succession of songs which I have to admit made me dance about the kitchen with a goofy smile on my face. I knew most of the lyrics, could guess most of the singers, and even knew their phrasing! It was great! Because it's just he and I, during dinner we are usually serenaded with classical. It's soothing, sometimes I recognize the music, sometimes I don't. But after our respective busy days, it's nice to listen to soothing melodies.

But since the radio station went off the air that I used to listen to with this kind of music, I don't get the variety anymore. My own personal playlists are heavy on the Sinatra, Bennett and not too much else. It was wonderful to hear Ella, Jimmy Durante, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr. and even Bobby Darin. I asked him to leave it on just a little longer as I cleaned up the kitchen. They even played, "In the Mood" by Glen Miller! Oh, it was marvelous. I finished cleaning up, and just sat in the chair in the kitchen with that small smile remembering all the times I must have heard The Lady is a Tramp, As Time Goes By, and oh, I don't know, hundreds of others all those years in the car singing along.

It was superb! I'm sure my husband, who by the way retreated to his lair upstairs, could do without my out of tune warbling. But it restored me for the evening. And reminded me that my memory is just fine for these songs. I swear I have so many memorized, it's a wonder I can remember everything else. Which I would like to believe is the reason I can't remember everything else.

Anyway, I'm singing along now and hope to continue for a little while yet. I'll catch up with you all later...after hours...maybe at a quarter to three. If you don't get that reference well then, nevermind.

The Passage of Time

I visited my nephew's grave today. His birthday was February 3 and I just thought to go over and see where it was, the new headstone, well, whatever. It was cold and blustery there. The cars were whizzing by on the highway and the side streets, people hurriedly going about their business on a Saturday. I looked down and thought of him.

I remembered my sister, upon hearing of his death, say, "Oh, that's just so unfair." And she was right. It was. And still is. I am not unknowing about the world, I am aware that life can be unfair. I know that people die all the time in accidents and even because bad people make choices that affect innocent people. I read the paper. I watch the news, only not so much anymore. I don't like the news. All that death on purpose makes me uneasy. And sad.

He should have been around to witness all the wonderful things going on with his family this year, the weddings, the new baby, even the usual birthdays. I do not want to hear someone say, "he is with you in spirit," right now. Maybe he is, but he isn't here in person is he? And that's what I miss, what I'm thinking of, not the ethereal "other"; the here and now. He is not in the here and now with us.

Life changes so quickly. And goes on. I said to my husband, "life still goes on," knowing that it wasn't a breaking news bulletin. Just a realization. Life progresses without us when we cease to be. In the play Our Town, the character Emily has died and is counseled by the people on the hill who have gone on before her. But the stage manager tries to answer the question she asks about realizing how life is going on all around us, "every, every minute." Do they realize, she asks? And he says honestly, no. Maybe some, poets he mentions, but most of us see the time we are living in at this moment as just the second leading up the next second to the next minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. The slip stream of time blurs by our eyes so fast, that we weren't even sure we saw it. And then when someone slips out of the stream, we notice the vacancy, but the current takes us past and the vacuum is gone, until the next time we take a minute to see it. And so I stood in the blustery gloom and stared at the stone with his name on it, trying to fill the void for just a few minutes.

Happy Birthday John, wherever you are.

Christmas Time is Here

The above is the first line from the skating scene song in "A Charlie Brown Christmas". It's sort of obvious, but with the shushing of the drum beat in the background, it's sort of like underneath stuff too. On the surface there is that hubbub and rushing and baking and cleaning and laughing at stupid old songs. But I've noticed that many columnists point to the season as being-well-less than stellar for them. They aren't hearing the undertones. They lament that it's too full of things, too full of getting, not enough of giving, yada, yada, yada (as the Seinfeld gang would say).

And I for one would like to post that I give all those uber-cool guys the raspberries. Excuse me if your Christmas is commercial, gimme, over the top greedy. I'm sorry for you, really. I probably don't give as much to charity as I could. I probably don't remember the poor and homeless as much as I should either--although I'd like to think I got a few brownie points for some of the stuff I DID remember. But almost to a one, every person I know thinks Christmas is pretty wonderful and happy and full of good things. We adore giving just the "right thing" to people in our family (and sometimes they aren't even related!). We laugh at antics of Christmas past. We relish the time given to us because it is given to everyone and you can either be glad about it or complain. I read far too many columns from some high-brow snooty people about how Christmas is just for the people with money. But I still believe Christmas is in the heart, not the pocketbook. I see lots more smiley faces, lots more letting into traffic, lots more "no you go ahead" in the checkout lines at the grocery store. I'm sorry they don't see this Christmas that I see. I wish they could. I wish everyone could see the light which shines over all darkness and illuminates the spirit. Oh, how I wish Scrooge wasn't such a hero before he gets changed.

So I'm not cool again this year. I am hopelessly in love with the season, my family and friends and how they celebrate it and I hope the same for those curmudgeons grousing about their houses in their bathrooms today.

Merry Christmas, God Bless us EVERYONE!

People and Their Dogs

Okay, I don't own a dog. I used to share ownership of lots of dogs at various and sundry stages of my life, but I no longer own one and probably have forgotten many of the things associated with owning or even taking care of one. But one of the things I know that is supposed to happen with a dog is a walk. It's universal like a remote control (unless you live in my house in which there are several remote controls for the same thing, but I digress). So you walk the dog, probably poopy scoop after them and both of you get your exercise and everybody's happy--mostly.

I have seen the scenario I'm about to describe to you for at least 3 nights now, when I go to pick up hubby at the train station and I don't understand it. I imagine what it means, I try to logically figure it out, but alas, I'm at a loss. Dispassionately, the scene looks like this: a women is holding, no make that restraining her snarling, barking German Shepherd who is carrying on in the direction of a man who is either standing on a porch or the front yard of what I assume to be his own house. He isn't moving, isn't taunting the dog. He is either standing with his hands on his hips staring at this excited beast or looking relatively unconcerned with his hands hanging down at his side. He isn't approaching the woman and her dog. He isn't even conversing as far as I can tell with either of them. He's just standing there. And she isn't reprimanding the dog for these shenanigans either, she is simply holding him and letting him "express himself" at this man's expense. It's such a bizarre tableau. What is going on? Does he know them both and teases the dog regularly and this is their "playing"? Does she dislike the man and this is the only way she can be sure he knows it? I have no clue. So what do you think?

Company again

We are hosting company this weekend. Yes, the family just got done being together, but this group is made up of our daughters friends. They are coming together to look at dresses for the upcoming wedding. Deciding on what to wear, the color, the style, the logistics. They like each other (a blessing, I'll admit) and they are a fun bunch to talk with. They are staying for a couple of days. We are spending an inordinate amount of time around the kitchen table laughing and eating. The ebb and flow of conversation is different that when the family was here, but the current is fine to jump into once in a while and observe the rest of the time.

I'm cleaning up again and dusting and straightening. The house hasn't been this organized in I don't know how long. It's amazing really. I'll need to take some time off before the next round at Christmas.

But I like it! and I like having them around. See you when I get done doing another round of dishes!